


A Home is Not a Home Without It's Heart

by tornadoquakes



Category: Free!
Genre: Bathtubs, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Familial Issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M, between Free! and Free! Eternal Summer, haru's parents are horrible, leftover feelings for Rin for Haru to deal with, more angst than fluff, plenty of angst, poor confused Haru, post regionals, pre-Souskue Rin is a sad Rin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:20:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornadoquakes/pseuds/tornadoquakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Officially now, Makoto and Haru are together, but there are lots of adjustments for Haru and it's not all bubble baths and cuddles. Haru faces just how different their relationship is and how much baggage he actually has when he hatches a brilliant plan to remedy his lonely living situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tub Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru and Makoto take a bath and Haru has a really brilliant idea.

It had been two months since regionals and Haru had never been happier. After he’d told Makoto how much he liked having him around and then, after he’d returned with Nagisa to the hotel and explained to a curious, wide-awake-with-excitement Makoto that what he’d really meant was ‘Makoto, I love you’, well it had all been baths and snuggling and sex since. By now, they’d accepted that they were definitely boyfriends and Makoto accepted that they were lying to everyone else if they said otherwise. Haru didn’t have a problem keeping everyone else out of this perfect, new thing with Makoto, but Makoto wanted to tell their friends, his family.

  
“Come on, Haru,” he said one night in the bath tub, “your parents are coming in two week and I think we should tell our families all together.”  
Aggravated, Haru lowered himself down in the tub so his nose was just above the water level, Makoto's dick pressing in the middle of Haru's back.

  
Even if it was only for a few days, Haru dreaded the return of his parents. Thinking about them, especially on the nights Makoto couldn’t safely convince his parents to let them stay together, reminded Haru of how lonely the house felt without anyone else in it, as much as he liked to pretend it didn’t. Really, the empty house had not been an issue before he and Makoto had taken the plunge into this terrifying and spectacular realm beyond friendship. After his parents left, the empty house had been a kind of Haru sanctuary, where he could lock out the rest of the world. But everything was different now that Makoto and him were…lovers. Makoto left a noticeable hole whenever he couldn’t be there and that made his home feel empty. Maybe it was that the increased time among the Tachibana clan was teaching him how wonderful a home full of people who loved each other could be. Maybe it was that feeling loved, really loved, for the first time since his grandmother died emphasized the other relationships in his life he felt inadequate. Whatever it was that made him fixate on his empty house, it was making Haru feel empty. Not that Makoto knew anything about that. Yet.

  
Haru blew some angry bubbles with his mouth into the bath water, partly to banish the thought of his parent’s upcoming and unwelcomed visit and partly for the sheer pleasure of listening to the sound of bubbles. It was amazing how beautiful water sounded in every form. Sensing the frustration in those bubbles, Makoto gently slid his arms around Haru’s chest and pulled Haru into him, stopping the bubbles as he lifted Haru to him. That was okay, though. Being in Makoto's arms was just as nice as being in the water. Besides, Haru needed a hug. Makoto must have sensed that Haru needed to talk about something by the tone of bubbles.

  
“What’s wrong Haru-chan?” Makoto said quietly as he pressed his chin down onto Haru's shoulder.

  
“How many times have I told you to stop it with the ‘-chan’?”  
Makoto turned his head so he could kiss Haru’s neck. As could be expected, a noticeable shiver went through Haru when Makoto’s mouth brushed his skin and Haru could swear he felt Makoto’s smile against him. It was kind of annoying that after two months together, Haru still had this reaction whenever Makoto kissed him somewhere besides his mouth. Makoto thought it was cute, Haru could feel him smiling against his skin.  
“Whatever you say, my Haru-chan.”  
Instead of protesting, Haru couldn't help but smile.

  
For a few minutes, Haru just enjoyed the sensation of being wrapped up in Makoto while he decided what he wanted to say. Makoto knew Haru well enough to keep silent, hugging Haru close to his chest and nuzzling his chin between Haru’s shoulder and neck. He had always known to wait until Haru was ready to talk and that was probably why Haru had spoken most to him. No one else, not even Rin, had ever known to wait.

  
“I have an idea,” Haru said quietly after several long minutes of affectionate silence, “and I want you to really think about it.”  
Makoto didn’t say anything, because he knew Haru, but Haru could feel Makoto’s body tense up minutely in anticipation and excitement. Haru could tell this because Haru knew Makoto just as well as Makoto knew Haru.  
“If we told them,” Haru whispered, a huge lump gathering in his throat and heat rising in his cheeks, “could we ask them if you could move here with me? It’s just an idea, but what do you think?”


	2. A Run and Some Pillow Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru regrets his bold idea and goes for a run. When he gets back, Makoto is sleeping while he waits for him.

Makoto’s arms slackened around Haru's chest and, completely embarrassed, Haru retreated into the safety of the water, waiting nervously for Makoto to say something, anything. But the minutes dragged on and for once, Makoto was the one without anything to say.

Panic began to creep up Haru’s throat and he wished he could take back his proposal. As far as Haru knew about relationships, people generally didn’t move in with each other after only two months, especially when those people were still in high school. Makoto practically lived with him as it was, but there was a big difference between what they had now and actually living with him as his boyfriend. It was a stupid idea. He shouldn’t have said anything. Makoto would never want to leave his family behind so he could live in this dumb, empty house with Haru.

The silence was making it hard for Haru to breath. He needed air.

  
“I’m going for a run,” he announced as he got out of the tub, not daring to face Makoto. In his haste to get as far away from Makoto as he could, he didn’t even stop to grab a towel. But when he passed the mirror, he couldn’t help but sneak a quick peek at Makoto’s reflection and, just as he suspected, Makoto was blushing, looking completely confused and slightly uncomfortable. Worse still, Makoto was watching Haru so when Haru passed by the mirror, Haru knew Makoto saw Haru's own fierce blush in the mirror. In two minutes flat, Haru was dressed and fleeing out the door.

 

An hour and a half later, Haru breathlessly stumbled through his front door and kicked off his running shoes.

While he’d been out, it had started to rain so he was completely soaked. Not wanting to drip on the floor he'd cleaned that morning, Haru rolled up the legs of his track pants and peeled off his socks but as he walked through the hall, his feet left faint, damp footprints behind him anyway. Really this new brain wave to keep the floor clean surprised him because he’d never thought about things like that before. But this was his home and during his run, he decided that no one else was ever going to take care of it unless he did. The house was dead quiet except the sound of rain on the roof and despite his earlier, wild idea, it was probably better this way.  
The best part about running was that it usually required a shower after so Haru made straight for the bathroom. When he opened the door, his heart leapt a little because he half-expected Makoto to still be in the tub. But the bathroom was empty so Haru got undressed and got into the shower, letting the warm water wash away the sweat and chills from his run and the image of Makoto’s painfully confused face from Haru’s disastrous proposal. He would have to figure out a way to repair the damage he’d done, but that would probably require a bath.

Freshly cleaned and wrapped up in a towel, Haru went to his room to get dressed, but when he opened his door he stopped dead in his tracks. Sleeping soundly in Haru’s bed was Makoto and, just as usually happened whenever Haru first saw Makoto, he felt exquisitely warm. Haru hadn’t seen him for two hours, and clearly Makoto hadn’t actually left, but this warm feeling was much stronger than usual, even with longer absences.

Of course Makoto had stayed and waited for Haru; he should’ve known Makoto would never leave Haru when he was so clearly agitated.

A shudder went through Haru and he had to grab onto the doorframe to keep himself from falling. If Makoto lived with him, Haru could come home to him every day, just like this. Suddenly, the whole ‘moving-in’ idea didn’t seem as crazy as Haru had spent his run trying to convince himself it was. In fact, Haru let himself fully feel how much he wanted, needed Makoto to be here with him.

Makoto shifted in his sleep and his head rolled to the side so Haru could see his face. Since they’d started getting intimate, watching Makoto sleep had become one of Haru’s favorite, secret activities. During waking hours, Makoto’s face fascinated Haru because it was there Haru could see everything Makoto felt and thought. But while Makoto slept, he was the picture of tranquility and it astounded Haru that even in his sleep, Makoto smiled. On tip-toe, Haru crossed his room and sat on the edge of the bed so he could watch Makoto sleep without disturbing him. Upon closer inspection, Haru noticed Makoto was wearing the shirt he’d nearly drowned in, the shirt Haru had since claimed for his own. Despite sagging off Haru’s shoulders, the shirt was his favorite to sleep in and it made the warmth inside him blaze hotter seeing Makoto wearing it again. It reminded Haru of saving Makoto from the ocean that night, of Makoto confessing that he swam because of Haru, of the realization that very same night that what Makoto really meant was that he was in love with Haru, of the night not long after when Haru first claimed the shirt as his when Makoto and Haru played videogames, a twin wrapped around each of them, of the nights since he’d fallen asleep in that shirt wishing it was Makoto, and especially of that night at the hotel when they went to regionals, when he'd told Makoto he loved him too. Another secret activity Haru enjoyed was collecting exhibits for his private ‘Important Artifacts in the Life of Haru’ museum. There weren't many, but this shirt was his most prized acquisition.

Sometime later, lightening cracked outside and Makoto, a huge scaredy cat even in his sleep, woke up with a start. For a few disorientating moments, Makoto looked around wildly, not remembering where he was or why everything was so dark, but then he noticed Haru, nervously watching him at the foot of his own bed. The terror that pained Haru every time Makoto was in a scary situation softened as Makoto came back to reality and it turned into that sweet smile he had just for Haru. Beyond everything else Makoto had said and done, it was that smile that let Haru know how much Makoto really did love him.

  
“You’re back,” Makoto said quietly as he sat up.  
“It is my house.”  
Makoto reached out his hand, hesitated for a moment, then took Haru’s in his.  
“It will take some getting used to, Haru-chan, but I would really like it to be my house too.”

_Seriously!?_

Makoto’s laughed lightly at the look on Haru's face, “I would like that more than anything in the world.”

  
With his heart fluttering, Haru’s eyes shot up to Makoto’s face to make sure he was telling the truth. Makoto was blushing furiously but still he was smiling and in the dim light from the streetlight, his emerald eyes sparkled with emotion. Makoto was incapable of hiding his sincerity and that made Haru smile.

Makoto agreeing to Haru’s idea didn’t make anything official - there was the rather large and formidable obstacle of convincing parents to get around first - but Makoto wanted to be here with him and Haru believed him. That was a lot. Laughing, Makoto leaned in to give a blushing, smiling Haru a kiss. Elated, Haru kissed him back and tried to physically communicate how happy Makoto had just made him.

Makoto’s hand snaked up Haru’s arm, but Makoto stopped it before it could get too seductive.  
“Haru, you’re shivering!” Makoto chided as he pulled away from Haru.  
If Haru was a braver or sappier person, he would have said something cheesy like ‘you’re touch makes me shiver’, but all he could bring himself to do was shrug.  
Makoto shook his head with a smile that reminded Haru disturbingly of how Makoto’s mother looked at the twins. But then Makoto pulled the covers over them and that banished all thoughts of Mama Tachibana.  
“I can’t have you catching a cold,” Makoto muttered as he threw the blankets over them and positioned Haru so Haru’s back was right up against Makoto’s chest. The bed was much warmer than usual when Haru first climbed inside it and Haru was a bit overwhelmed by how much it smelled like Makoto. Never one to pay much attention to his own physical well-being, Haru hadn’t even noticed how cold he’d gotten after his shower until Makoto, the human heater, began warming him up.  
Makoto was starting to wrap his arms around Haru, but Haru stopped him.

“Would you take off the shirt first?” he asked.

In a heartbeat the precious shirt was off and thrown to the ground, forgotten for more important matters. Makoto pressed his bare chest against Haru’s back, enfolding Haru in his arms and placing his mouth tantalizingly on Haru’s neck without actually kissing it. Haru had the sneaking suspicion that Makoto was teasing him, withholding much desired kisses in order to extract some promise or plan from Haru. As an experiment, Haru pressed his ass into Makoto’s groin and was both pleased to hear Makoto moan and disappointed at the continued lack of kissing on his neck.

“We will tell our parents about us and everything when my parents come to visit.” Haru ventured, grinding himself closer into Makoto.

Apparently this was what Makoto was waiting for. He flipped Haru onto his back and climbed on top of him so Haru was staring straight up into his beautiful, beautiful eyes. Too bad it was too dark too see that glittering green.

“I want to tell Nagisa, Rei, and Gou about us too.” Makoto said.

Haru frowned.

“Really? Don’t you think they’ve figured it out already?”

Makoto shook his head.

“Maybe they have, but that’s not how I want to do this. I don’t want there to be any guessing or confusion. And they are our friends and I don’t like lying to them.”

 

Haru wanted to protest because honestly there was no hell on earth worse than Nagisa when he wants to tease someone, but Makoto looked so earnest and serious, Haru didn’t have the heart to tell him no. He didn’t think it was important, but he would do it if Makoto wanted to. But whether on purpose or by accident, Makoto had left one very big person off that list and if they were going to do this, they were going to do this right. Things had been difficult since he’d come back from Australia, but he was still their friend and Haru wouldn’t feel right if someone else told him.

  
“I don’t think it’s really any of their business, but if you want people to know,” Makoto lit up instantly, lighting Haru up in turn, “that’s fine with me. But if we are telling people, we should tell Rin, too.”

  
Makoto's face clouded a bit and Haru waited as Makoto thought this last one out. There was no denying that Haru had had a connection with Rin. If Rin had come onto Haru when he first got back from Australia, Haru could have been in bed with him instead. But things were so different now, mostly because Haru and Rin were both such different people now. Haru had to accept that the old Rin, the one he'd pined for, was gone. Good thing too, because letting go of Rin in that way had made it possible for Haru to see and finally, truly appreciate Makoto. Now it was Makoto and only Makoto who he wanted and needed to be with. Yet since Regionals, the new Rin was starting to become their friend and it was important for Haru to have him as a friend. Their connection was gone, but Rin was still a kindred water spirit and Haru wanted to tell him. More than he wanted to tell Nagisa anyway. Makoto hadn’t been blind about Haru and Rin, he’d been the one to pick up the pieces after all, and it was a testament to the goodness of Makoto’s heart that he didn’t even think to be jealous.

“You’re right,” Makoto said, his smile completely sincere, “we should tell Rin too. He might be hurt if someone else tells him and he’s just started being our friend again.”

Haru bent his head up so he could give a thank-you kiss to Makoto then laid back down, smiling up and enjoying the sight of his Makoto. No one was as understanding as Makoto and for the millionth time, Haru wondered how it had taken him so long to figure out that Makoto was the one for him. Suddenly, Makoto’s smile turned uncharacteristically devious as his hand traveled down Haru’s chest and stomach to the towel still wrapped around his waist. Haru’s hips almost involuntarily jutted up to greet Makoto’s hand and Makoto laughed as he freed Haru from his towel.

  
Alright. Makoto wasn’t all good. And if anyone else ever saw that wicked side to Makoto’s grin, Haru would be the one dissolving into a fit of jealousy.


	3. Haru's Brilliant and Complicated Plan

“Today’s the big day, isn’t it?” Makoto asked nervously as they walked to school on Monday morning.  
Talking and walking were sometimes difficult to do at the same time for Makoto, so it came as no surprise that such a delicate subject matter caused him to stumble on his own feet. A common misconception about swimmers, Haru had found, was that they were full of liquid grace. In actuality, so much time in the pool made them really, really bad at gravity for the most part. Haru alone seemed immune, but he had always worked hard to imitate his favorite element in every way. Makoto, on the other hand, could be the poster child for clumsy swimmers. As much as he loved him, nothing made Haru smile so much as when Makoto attempted to run. But really Haru didn’t mind the stumbling because it was usually Haru Makoto stumbled into. Now for instance, Makoto had to reach out and grab Haru’s arm to keep from falling over completely. Embarrassed at the inept control he had over his own body, Makoto straightened himself up and snatched himself away, breaking the brief but tantalizing contact between them and mumbling the usual apology in situations like this. Giving him a sidelong look, Haru saw Makoto’s cheeks dusted with a blush that Haru thought was half embarrassment, half desire to maintain that physical contact, and all adorable. With the back of his hand, Haru pressed his hand to the back of Makoto’s. Surprised, Makoto peeped and turned to stare wide-eyed at Haru, his blush deepening every moment. Haru refused to face him, it would be unseemly if they were both beet red, but he knew Makoto could see his smirk. Beginning to realize Haru’s intention, Makoto tested to see what Haru would do if he stepped enough to the side so their hands weren’t touching. When he did that, Haru, silently and with eyes locked in front of him, closed the distance between them and again pressed the back of his hand against the back of Makoto’s. Satisfied that this contact wasn’t a fluke, Makoto smiled that special smile he had only for Haru and drew closer so their wrists touched as well.  
“It’s not going to be a big deal, Makoto,” Haru said quietly, “don’t worry about it.”  
Makoto nodded, but he didn’t look completely convinced. However further discussion would probably be pointless, so he followed Haru’s lead and looked straight ahead, moving even closer so their forearms touched as well. To assure Makoto that he was serious about their plan to tell Nagisa, Rei, and Gou about their relationship, Haru extended his index finger and wrapped it around Makoto’s. In Haru’s opinion, the rest of the walk to school went much too fast.

 

Half an hour before lunch, Haru was staring blankly out the window and thinking, his chin propped up in his hand, when something rustled on his desk. He looked down and saw a small folded piece of paper lying on his open notebook. A quick glance at Makoto, who was taking notes a bit too vigorously and blushing too fiercely, revealed who the author of this note was. In middle school, Makoto, Haru, and Rin used to write notes all the time, but this was the first one Makoto had written him since then. Careful not to let the teacher see, Haru grabbed the note and unfolded it below his desk.

_So should we make a plan to tell them?_

Haru frowned down at the note. A plan? It wasn’t like they were revealing themselves to be Martians masquerading as Japanese high school students. It was bad enough that Makoto felt it necessary to tell people that they were together, but did they really need to make a big deal about it? Haru turned to Makoto to assure him once again that it wasn’t a big deal, but decided against it when he saw the agitated tapping of his pencil against his desk and his other hand beating out a fast rhythm with his other hand. His cheeks were completely red and even his neck was pink. Haru turned to look back out the window, thinking about this unusual and upsetting behavior. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to Haru, but Makoto was clearly freaking out. Somehow, Haru needed to calm Makoto down before Makoto gave himself a brain aneurism. Then Haru would have no Makoto and that was something Haru couldn’t allow.

At the beginning of lunch, Haru told Makoto he would meet him up on the roof in their usual place before Makoto could corner him into a strategizing session. As he quickly walked – or more accurately ran - the opposite direction down the hall, Haru could feel Makoto watching him. As Haru ducked into the bathroom, he could just picture Makoto’s face, looking all confused and probably hurt. Haru was a little surprised Makoto didn’t follow him into the bathroom. Haru swallowed the lump of guilt rising in his throat; everything would be cleared up in a few minutes. Haru had concocted a brilliant plan and Haru wasn’t one to make plans unless absolutely necessary.

After a few minutes lingering in the bathroom, Haru decided the others would probably all be assembled by now. Peeking out the hall, Haru couldn’t see Makoto anywhere. When he got up to the roof, he found his friends all sitting around Makoto, starting to eat their lunches and laughing at some joke. Poor Makoto was the only one not laughing; he looked like a wilted flower and worse still, he was actually frowning. Nagisa, Rei, and Gou began bickering about something, completely oblivious to sad Makoto. Haru took a deep breath and began walking over, his heartbeat increasing with every step as he thought about what he was about to do.

Nagisa saw Haru before anyone else.  
“Haru-chan! There you are!” he called out as he waved, drawing unneeded attention to himself. Haru had eyes only for Makoto, who in turn had eyes only for his lunch. Alright. Now was the time to put his masterfully thought out and complicated plan in action.

Without greeting anyone else, Haru walked over to his customary spot by Makoto’s side, kneeled down right next to him, lightly put his hand on Makoto’s shoulder, and kissed his cheek.

That kiss was like a bolt of lightening that caused Makoto to snap up instantly. His eyes grew wide and he looked at Haru in the same way Haru imagined Makoto would look if he were to meet Kosuke Kitajima – completely flustered and unable to work his brain into coherent thoughts. Haru sat down fully and scooted close into Makoto’s side and Makoto whirled around to see if anyone else had noticed this unprecedented display of affection. Gou was holding a bit of rice in her chopsticks that hovered, forgotten, half way to her mouth. Rei’s mouth hung open and his eyes were practically popping out from behind his glasses. Haru wondered dryly if Rei thought that kiss was ‘beautiful’ enough. Reluctantly, Haru turned his attention to the devil-child, who, sure enough, was grinning dumbly and dubiously with watery eyes, like someone was tickling him. This did not bode well. But worst was poor Makoto, who was completely frozen in panic and for a second, Haru thought seriously that he’d broken his brain. Well the show was over; everyone should get back to business as usual.  
“Makoto, I’m hungry.” Haru announced.  
Makoto looked down at Haru and Haru had the sneaking suspicion that Makoto had only heard his name. But Haru seemed to fix Makoto’s brain when he smiled at him. It was really cute watching things fall into place for Makoto and cuter still when he began to smile.  
“What’s for lunch?”  
Makoto laughed and presented Haru with the lunch he’d brought for him. The box was the yellow one that was Haru’s favorite.  
“Thanks.”  
Haru took his lunch, opened it, and was pleasantly surprised to see Makoto had brought him mackerel for lunch. That was so nice! He bumped his shoulder into Makoto’s to thank him for the thoughtful lunch. Taking his chopsticks, Haru dug into his food and next to him, Makoto did the same.

“I OWE YOU A BLOWJOB REI-CHAN!” Nagisa sang loudly, jumping on Rei’s back and planting a huge, sloppy kiss on his cheek.  
“Nagisa-kun!” Rei whined, “This is so undignified!”  
Honestly he could give Makoto a run for his money for blushing, he was as red as his glasses frames. The devil child jumped up and yanked Rei up by his hand.  
“Come on, Rei-chan! I don’t like to leave my debts unpaid!”  
“Nagisa-kun stop being so loud!”  
But Nagisa was laughing while he pulled Rei and then they were gone.

A weird squeaking noise drew Haru’s attention and after some searching, he discovered the noise came from Gou. She had her hands over her face, but she was peeking out helplessly after Rei and Nagisa. From the sounds of it, she could possibly be dying.  
“Are you all right, Gou?” Haru asked.  
“I have to go!” she yelped as she gathered her things and fled.  
Together Haru and Makoto stared after her, each lost in their own thought. Apparently Makoto and Haru hadn’t been the only ones harboring a secret relationship, but really just because they’d never said anything didn’t mean Haru hadn’t figured it out. Nagisa wasn’t exactly subtle.

Makoto sighed and turned back down to his lunch.  
“Well that went unexpectedly.”  
Haru smiled as he turned back down to his own lunch. No, dear, sweet Makoto, that went exactly how Haru expected.

As it was still warm out, they had swim practice outside that afternoon and Haru was surprisingly relieved to find everything was exactly the same. If there were any changes, it was that Rei and Nagisa flirted with each other a bit more than usual and Makoto seemed to swim faster. The only person acting really out of the ordinary was Gou because she could barely look at any of them without turning pink and squealing. This was worrisome. When practice was over, Haru broke with tradition and got out with everyone else. Still dripping wet, Haru came up beside Gou as she packed up the miscellaneous things she’d brought to practice.  
“Gou,” he said quietly, nevertheless causing her to jump in surprise, “please don’t say anything to Rin. I want to be his friend again so it should be me to tell him.”  
For a while, Gou surveyed Haru, mulling over his request before nodding her head in agreement.  
“That’s probably a good idea. I won’t say anything.”  
Haru smiled at her as he turned to join the others in the locker room. But before he could get there, she called out after him.  
“Haru-senpai, I’m happy for you and Makoto-senpai. And I’m sure onii-chan will be too.”  
Haru opened the door and went into the locker room. What Rin thought remained to be seen.

The walk home started off the same as always. Haru and Makoto parted ways with Nagisa and Rei at the train station before they headed home along their stretch of beach. But once they were well and truly away from the other two, Makoto boldly took Haru’s hand in his. Haru’s first instinct was to back away because there were people around and they were looking at them. But then he caught a glimpse of Makoto, smiling away happily, completely oblivious to everything else but Haru’s hand in his. Why did Haru care what people thought all of a sudden? He’d never cared before and he sure wasn’t going to start caring now when Makoto made him so happy. Entwining his fingers between Makoto’s, Haru squeezed his hand, knowing Makoto would understand. Their walk took much longer than normal because they slowed down their pace and kept taking breaks to look at their favorite parts of the beach. Haru didn’t let go of Makoto’s hand until they got to Makoto’s house and he only did so he could give Makoto a kiss goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kosuke Kitajima is a really awesome Japanese breaststroker, he won gold in the 100 and 200 meter breaststroke at the Athens (2004) and Beijing (2008) Summer Olympics, beating his great rival Brendan Hansen (American) in both. After winning gold in one of his races in Athens (I forget which one but I believe the 00), Kosuke Kitajima let out a really great victory roar. Brendan Hansen recorded Kosuke Kitajima's victory roar and had it as his alarm clock for FOUR YEARS until they faced off again in Beijing (Kitajima beat him again....like a bamf). In the 2012 London Olympics, the last for both breaststrokers before they retired, Brendan had his redemption by placing third in the 100 meter breast. Kitajima placed fifth. I have no idea how popular an athlete Kosuke Kitajima is in Japan (I would assume he's a pretty big deal because he is AWESOME) but I LOVE their rivalry so much and he sticks out as the most recognizable male Japanese swimmer to me. I just had to include at least a reference to him :)


	4. Joint Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Iwatobi Swim Club has a joint swim practice with two particular swimmers from Samezuka Academy. Haru contemplates the difference between electricity and fire, there is some silliness in the shower, and Haru asks Rin to go for a walk

Telling himself he was completely over Rin and actually being, one hundred percent over Rin were two completely separate things. Watching Rin and Rei race a 200 meter butterfly during their joint practice on Friday afternoon, Haru admitted to himself for the first time that he’d been deluding himself. There was and always had been electricity between them.

Haru ducked under the water and pushed off the wall of the Iwatobi High swim pool, squeezing his arms into a perfect streamline as he kicked underwater. He was doing a spring freestyle set by himself and the goal was to swim across the entire length of the pool without coming up for a breath. It was supposed to help him take fewer breaths during races and therefore shave tiny, precious fractions of seconds off his time. Haru didn’t care too much about tiny increments of time, but he did like the feel of his body slicing fluidly and quickly through the water. It was a condition that allowed him to think clearly.  
Since before prefectuals, Haru had been constantly trying to convince himself that Rin had changed completely, that he wasn’t the same person he’d been before Australia. For the greater part of the year, that had been accurate. But regionals seemed to erase all the bitterness, lack of confidence, and self-destructive obsession that had distorted Rin since he’d swum back into their lives. No, erase wasn’t the correct term because Rin had changed from his experiences. He was much more serious now and his temper flared much easier now than it used to. But every time the Iwatobi Swim Club and the Samezuka Academby had one of their bi-weekly joint practices, or when their teams were hanging out outside of the pool, Rin was acting more and more like his old self. And the return of old Rin came with the return of that electric thrill that coursed through his body, much as Haru tried to deny it for Makoto’s sake.

Haru touched the opposite wall and gulped in air greedily, silently cursing his body for needing air. Around him, the butterfly race was entering its final 50 meters and Nagisa was cheering Rei on with a bit too much enthusiasm. But Rei needed all the cheering he could get; Rin was two whole body lengths ahead of him. Really Haru had to admire how well Rei was keeping up. He’d really improved and the 200 butterfly was not an easy event. Nagisa ought to be minding his own, specially formulated breaststroke set, but the race had obviously proved too distracting for his short attention span. Elsewhere, Nitori was finishing some grueling long-distance free set, completely oblivious to the butterfly match. Haru shuddered, thinking about the long set he’d taken a peek at before practice started. Coach Goro had ominously hinted to Haru that he was going to start doing Nitori’s sets with him when they practiced together next. ‘If you insist on only swimming free,’ Coach Goro kept saying, always with an evil glint in his eye, ‘then let’s train you for all the free distances!’ Haru and Coach Goro had argued back and forth until they compromised that Haru would train for the 50, 100, 200, and 400 meter events. Honestly, the 800 and the 1500 meters were just too long. Whenever Haru tried those lengths, he always got distracted by how nice the water felt and forgot that he was supposed to be racing. Even the 400 was pushing it.

In the lane furthest from Haru, Makoto was floating on his back, occasionally wind-milling his arms in big circles and kicking lazy breaststroke kicks to give himself some momentum. This was what Makoto did when he wanted to cool down after a hard set, like the backstroke set he had just finished, or when he just wanted to be in the water. That was a new development; since Regionals, Makoto seemed to have lost his fear of the water and now Haru sometimes caught him at moments like this, just enjoying the water. Maybe that unforgettable relay had taught him to feel comfortable in the water. Maybe it was the effect Haru was having on him. Well whatever caused this new attitude in Makoto, backstroke was still his preferred stroke and the second half of practice, he’d been doing a pretty difficult looking backstroke set on his own. But he still swam freestyle regularly and during the first half of practice, Haru, Makoto, and Rin had all swum a pretty difficult freestyle set together. As usual whenever Haru and Rin swam together, it turned into a race seconds after they left the wall. But Makoto had surprised Haru and everyone else by keeping up with them. In his own lane, he’d only been at most half a body length behind Rin and Haru the whole time. For Haru, it had been a strange set; he’d felt the thrill he always got when he swam with Rin while simultaneously glowing with both pride over Makoto’s performance and affection for him in general. The combination of the two feelings had been almost intoxicating and Haru had caught himself wondering why he couldn’t just have it like that all the time. But before his mind became too filthy, their set ended. Rin had ducked under the lane line to join Rei for a butterfly set – the last part of which was this 200 race - and Makoto had floated away to start his backstroke set, leaving Haru alone to do his sprint freestyle set. 

Looking at the pace clock on the opposite end of the pool, the red second hand moved to the big ‘30’ on the bottom of the clock and Haru took off for another underwater 25. Why couldn’t he have them both, together? Rin and Makoto had rekindled their forgotten friendship since Regionals and even though it was obvious Rin preferred Haru, the two remembered how well they got along. Why shouldn’t they get along in bed too? The idea of all three of them together was tantalizing. Even underwater, Haru could feel the heat rise in his cheeks as he thought about what it would feel like to be sandwiched between Rin and Makoto. He touched the wall and shot his head up, just in time to see Rin cream Rei in their race. Rin, panting and smiling, watched Rei finish in that particularly antagonizing way he had, like the best thing in the world would be to tear poor Rei apart with his teeth. Rei touched the wall not too long after and Haru, slightly jealous, expected Rin to gloat about his victory like he had at prefectuals. Before Rin could say a single word, though, Nagisa jumped over the lane line and onto Rei’s back.  
“You are improving so much, Rei-chan!”  
Contrary to expectation, Rin didn’t roll his eyes or say something insulting. Instead, he threw back his head and actually began laughing.  
“Keep it up, Speedo-Glasses, and you will beat me someday soon!”  
Nagisa giggled and splashed Rin square in the face with water, causing Rin to laugh all the louder as he showered both Rei and Nagisa with an incredible tsunami.  
“Cool down you three!” shouted Coach Goro, “We need to get out of the pool! And I need to get to work! I only agreed to coach you guys as long as it didn’t interfere with the pizzas!”  
Still laughing, Nagisa pulled Rei underwater and they soon set off, swimming breaststroke with their heads up and chatting happily away before they had to get out. Rin watched them go with a smile, and it wasn’t the kind of smile that a predator gives his prey before devouring him whole. It was the same type of smile Rin used to have during middle school, all charismatic and happy, and Haru felt that electric prickle, that spark of attraction. Rin noticed Haru watching him and turned that smile on Haru before taking off after Rei and Nagisa. 

Thinking himself completely over Rin was completely delusional. They may be friends now, but there was something just below the surface that Haru hated to admit was there.

 

Before Haru began his own cool down, a cascade of water and muscle shot out from the other end of the pool as Makoto jumped out of the water and padded over to Coach Goro and Gou.  
“I’m so sorry, I need to go now,” Haru heard him explain to the coach and the manager, “I forgot I promised my mother I would pick the twins up and get them some dinner.”  
Coach Goro clapped him on the shoulder and smiled, “Go right ahead, Makoto. You had a really excellent practice today! Great work! Have a nice weekend! And remember who to call if you are in need of a pizza.”  
Makoto instantly turned pink and all smiley, causing Haru to forget his spark from Rin in the wake of the giant wave of warmth Makoto washed over him. The electricity with Rin was exhilarating, but nothing compared with this feeling only Makoto could give him. As Makoto walked towards the locker room, he made sure to stop by Haru’s lane to say goodbye.  
“You did have a really good practice, Makoto.” Haru said when Makoto reached his lane and he watched with pleasure as Makoto lit up even more at the compliment.  
“Thanks!” he said as he squatted down at the head of Haru’s lane, wrapping his arms around his knees, “It was actually quite fun swimming free with you!”  
They were now mere inches away and Haru suddenly had the urge to pull Makoto in and kiss him all over. Not in a million years would Haru ever say that about backstroke, but Makoto was always ready to do anything if it meant he could be close to Haru. Haru satisfied himself with squirting some water at Makoto’s arms and smiling.  
“If you wanted to, you could come over later tonight,” Makoto said, suddenly all adorably shy and looking around to make sure no one else was within earshot, “the twins would be happy to see you.”  
“Would they be the only ones?”  
Makoto blush deepened, “Of course not.”  
“Then I’d love to.”  
Still smiling, Makoto reached out and gently touched Haru’s forehead before standing up and walking over to the locker room, waving cutely before he disappeared. Haru watched him leave, basking in the warmth Makoto always left behind him. Maybe a small part of his heart belonged to Rin; maybe it always would. But Makoto, sweet, kind thoughtful Makoto, had conquered his heart and even though Makoto didn’t send the same electricity through Haru’s body as Rin did, Rin couldn’t give him the long-lasting, all encompassing, and white hot heat of Makoto.  
“Haru, cool down! Now!” Coach Goro yelled, “I have pizzas to deliver so get going!”  
Haru didn’t need to be told twice he needed to cool down and went willingly into the water’s embrace.

Water had always given Haru certain clarity and as he slowly swam his cool down, he thought more about what it would actually be like if he were to have Rin and Makoto together. Not just for the sex, but what the reality of it would actually be like. For Haru, it would be ideal. He would have the electricity and the heat each one gave him. But it would give the others nothing but bad feelings and probably pain. Rin, never willing to be second best, would probably become competitive for Haru’s affections and Makoto, being the sweet, lovely, somewhat self-deprecating person he was, would back down and let Rin have Haru because he wouldn’t think he was good enough to compete. And Haru knew that would break Makoto’s heart. Makoto would never complain about it and he would try to be as supportive and caring as he’d always been, but Haru would see it and he would know it was his fault. After that. Haru probably wouldn’t be able to enjoy Rin’s electricity because he would miss Makoto’s heat too much. If their personalities were different or if maybe they had more of a spark between them on their own, maybe then Makoto and Rin would agree to something plural with Hary. But they were who they were and Haru had chosen Makoto. Wanting Rin to join in was not only selfish, but extremely unfair to Makoto. When it came down to it, Haru had given up the sudden and fleeting spark in favor of the smoldering embers. As he did his last flip turn for the day, he knew he’d chosen correctly because, nice as that spark was, nothing was better than the constant and all encompassing warmth.

 

As usual after practice, the group shower was great fun. Nagisa goaded Rei and Nitori into a ‘First Year Sliding Competition To the Death’, so the three of them soaped up their feet and slid across the wet shower room floor, seeing who could go furthest. Rin tried to persuade them they were going to fall and get hurt, but not even Nitori listened to him. In a second, they were off and it came as no surprise to Haru when Rei, the theoretical machine, beat them all.  
“No fair!” Nagisa complained, “I wish you’d stop calculating angels and outcomes all the time! It can’t be fun!”  
“I will tell you what’s fun to me,” Rei said darkly, putting his hand up instinctively to his glasses, even though they were still in his locker and his face was bare, “beating you.”

Haru turned away from the ensuing argument with a smile, wondering what it was like for them when they were alone. All this week, they’d acted increasingly like a couple, but that only meant more public displays of affection, not less arguing and bickering. They’d never gone ahead and announced officially that they were together, but then again technically Makoto and Haru hadn’t either. But no one needed to really say anything else about it. This whole week, the mood when they were all together had been much lighter and happier than usual.  
“Guys, don’t drag Nitori into this!” pleaded Rin and Haru turned around to see what was going on. Nagisa and Rei were soaping up their feet furiously, evidently preparing for a rematch. Nitori was standing on the other side of the shower room, watching Nagisa and Rei prepare for their rematch.  
“Don’t be a spoil sport!” Nagisa whined.  
“Rei, I thought you were more mature than this!” Rin countered. Rei fixed him with a withering look.  
“In matters of pride, I’m never mature.”  
Rin turned to Haru for support, “Haru, come on, they are going to fall and get hurt! No one needs to be missing practice because of a stupid soap race!”  
Everyone turned toward Haru, waiting expectantly for him to voice his opinion. Without Makoto the team mom there, Haru was the default parental figure.  
“Beat him, Rei.”  
Some parental figure.  
Nagisa shrieked in outrage while Rei gloated. The look Rin cast at Haru could only be described as betrayal, but then Nitori’s laughter caught his attention and his face softened at the smile across his roommate’s face.  
“Well if you insist on doing this, you better kick Nagisa’s butt, Speedo-Glasses.”  
And Rei did just that.

 

Haru was the first one dressed so he waited for the others outside the locker room, quietly leaning against the wall and contemplating what he was going to say. Makoto hadn’t mentioned it further, but Haru had been turning it over and over in his head when and how to tell Rin about the change in Makoto and Haru’s relationship. It shouldn’t be this difficult because, electricity or not, Rin was his friend. But Rin also meant something more than that to Haru and he knew his hesitation was because of this something. By telling Rin about Makoto, Haru would be slamming the door shut on the possibility of something more. He would never admit it to Makoto, but he had been a little reluctant to completely destroy that possibility. But getting dressed, Haru had decided it was a door he was ready to shut. His choice was made and he knew he couldn’t really delay any longer. Makoto had said it felt like lying keeping people in the dark about their relationship. With everyone else, Haru would not agree, but with Rin, it did feel like lying. And worse still, the reason why he hadn’t told Rin yet felt like lying to Makoto. And good old Makoto for once didn’t seem able to read his mind about this.

The other boys eventually emerged from the locker rooms, laughing about some funny story Nitori had told them that Haru had missed. Surprisingly, Nitori was pretty funny, if mostly in a completely oblivious, eager sort of way.  
“Rin,” Haru called out, the other boys seemed surprised to see him still hanging around, “would you mind coming for a walk with me? I would like to talk to you.”  
Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and looked at Haru in confusion.  
“Really? I will miss the train,” he protested though Haru could tell from his tiny smile he wasn’t really too concerned about train schedules. Oh boy. This wasn’t going to be easy.  
“There are later trains.”  
“Umm, sure. Nitori, you don’t mind going back on the train with these two clowns?”  
Even Haru could tell Nitori was a little hurt, the kid practically worshiped Rin, but Nitori just nodded and said ‘Yes, senpai’  
Nagisa slung an arm around Nitori’s shoulder and winked reassuringly at Rin, “Don’t worry. Rei and I will make sure he gets home safe and sound! I’d like to see your room anyway!”  
Rin was right to look even more worried.  
“Rei, please make sure Nagisa doesn’t kill my roommate. And don’t trash my room!”  
“Of course.”  
“Fine, let’s go Haru.”  
Even though Haru had asked Rin to come for a walk with him, it was Haru who had to run to keep up with Rin.

Alright. Here goes nothing.


	5. A Hard Conversation With Rin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru and Rin take a walk on the beach together and discuss some difficult things.
> 
> Angst.....

Once they were safely away from school, Rin slowed down enough so Haru could pull up beside him.  
“So what did you want to talk about?” Rin asked. Haru eyed him sidelong and felt both horribly guilty and excited when he saw the slightest hint of a blush on Rin’s cheeks. An old man was walking straight towards them, so Haru and Rin had to part to let him through. What Haru really wanted to talk about, he didn’t want an audience for so he would have to wait until they were somewhere more secluded.  
“How have things been with the Samezuka swim team?”  
Rin clearly hadn’t been expecting Haru to ask about that because he stopped walking to stare at Haru. But when Haru turned to look at him, he was smiling and yes, his blush was darker. Rin shook his head and caught up to Haru, the smile still lingering.  
“Things have been going really well. The Captain has been scheduling more team-building exercises outside of practice and I’m getting along much better with everyone, especially Nitori. He’s become a really good friend.”  
“I’m happy to hear it, Rin.”  
Rin jammed his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground.  
“Thanks for asking, Haru. It means a lot.”

 

Together, they walked silently for a few minutes to nowhere in particular, but it didn’t surprise Haru at all when they wound up on the beach. Haru hadn’t had a destination in mind and neither he nor Rin had suggested coming to the ocean, but somehow Haru knew, together, they’d find the water. Today had been the first day it felt like autumn, so the beach was deserted. It was the perfect setting for the conversation Haru needed to have.

As Haru took a seat on a rock hanging over the water, Rin stooped down and grabbed some rocks off the beach. Haru unlaced his shoes and dipped his feet into the cold water as he watched Rin try to skip his rocks against the glassy surface of the smooth sea. Watching him, Haru reflected on how much Rin differed from Makoto physically. They were both muscular and bigger than the average guy – well they were both bigger than Haru anyway- but even with their similar training, their bodies had developed very differently. The curvature of Makoto’s muscles made his edges look round, making those big, powerful muscles look like rocks smoothed over by water in the ocean or in a river. Maybe Haru was biased now that he was more intimately acquainted with that body, but whenever Haru looked at Makoto he always thought how solid Makoto was, how present and consistent he felt. Sure, he was powerful, big, and really quite beautiful, but more than anything else he was solid and smooth. In contrast, everything on Rin was angular, in places almost jagged. Even with all his clothes on, Haru could just picture how his muscles looked underneath as he wound up his arm to throw another rock. Even his face was nothing but sharp angels. If Makoto was a water-smoothed rock, Rin was a jagged shoal, jutting out of the water - ominous, defiant, dangerous, ready to sink ships or inspire poetry. And there was no denying how alluring those pinnacles could be.

 

“Rin, there’s something I need to tell you.” Haru said quietly after Rin’s rock plunked into the sea. Rin turned to look at Haru, the breeze fluttering his hair across his face.  
“I figured there was.” He said as he came and sat down on Haru’s rock, “What is it?”  
Haru took a deep breath, already upset about what he was about to say to Rin.  
“Makoto and I are together.”  
Instantly, Haru’s heart went up to his throat. It took him nearly a full minute before he could gather enough courage to look at Rin and when he did, it broke Haru’s heart to see the look of confusion and, yes, betrayal, on Rin’s face.  
“Like together, together?” Rin asked, his voice a bit shaky.  
Haru could only nod. His cheeks were blazing and he felt it necessary to avert his eyes to the water. Even now, he could hear Makoto’s voice telling him it was far too cold to strip off his clothes and go for a swim, no matter how much Haru wanted to escape into the comforting water.  
“But…but I thought you…you and I…” Rin stuttered, “there is a…connection.”  
“There is!” Haru interrupted him quickly, feeling worse than he ever had before, “but it’s just Makoto and I…” Haru couldn’t bring himself to say anything else so he gave up.  
Neither of them knew what to say next, so they just sat on the rock, each looking anywhere except at the other. What would this do to Rin? Would he revert to how he’d been when he came back from Australia, if he knew he couldn’t have Haru? How could Haru do this to him?  
“I’m happy for you guys, Haru.”

What?

Haru finally turned to look at Rin and was utterly shocked to find Rin smiling pleasantly at him.  
“I am really, really happy for you Haru.”  
“How can you be happy for me?”  
Rin laughed.  
“Well since I’ve known you, it’s been pretty obvious Makoto’s been head over heels in love with you. Even in middle school, it was like you were some grumpy old man and Makoto was your doting wife. But since regionals, every time I see you two together, you both just seem so stinking happy. I thought I’d missed something, but it was really sweet seeing you two together. Really, I should have known, but I think I didn’t want to think about it too much.”  
“Why not?” Haru asked, knowing he was putting Rin in an extremely awkward place.  
“Because that meant I couldn’t have you.”  
Hearing Rin say it out loud felt like someone had just dumped a load of bricks on his chest.  
“I’m sorry, Rin.”  
“Haru, you have nothing to apologize for. I may want you, but even without Makoto around, I would never trust myself with you. It would never have worked. I can never have you.”  
Rin frowned deeply and his fists balled up on his thighs. Haru wanted to demand him explain himself, but he waited for Rin to continue on his own.

 

“Haru, I’ve always been attracted to you and although it’s gotten better and I think healthier lately, I’m really far too fixated on you for my own good. Yes, part of that fixation is because I like you, but that’s only a small part. The greater part comes from how much I want to prove to myself that I’m better than you, to beat you at everything. If you were just another guy I thought was cute and I didn’t swim with, maybe we could be together. But you aren’t just someone; you are Haru and Haru is my rival, my worthiest and most treasured adversary. No one get’s me riled up and bent out of shape like you do and even now, every time you do anything you’re remotely good at, I have this insatiable desire to prove I’m better than you. Now it’s not a vicious desire and we are finally friends again, but it’s been destructive in the past. What scares me the most about this fixation I have on you is how easily I’ve gotten physically aggressive. And when I think about those times, it makes me almost sick to think about how easy, how right it felt to be like that. I shouldn’t feel comfortable being aggressive like that with anyone, least of all someone I care about.”  
“I’ve thought about it over and over, and I concluded a while ago that I would never, ever trust myself to be with you as your boyfriend or whatever. Even if Makoto wasn’t around, I would never try to be with you. Maybe a relationship between us would start out fun and I definitely think passionate, but I know myself. I know that sooner or later, I would want to show you how much better I am than you and it scares me more than anything to think of what I could justify doing to you to prove my point. No relationship in the world is worth finding out how far down that road I am capable of going.”  
“Things were bad for a long, long time and they’ve only gotten better for me in the past few months, really since I swam with you guys in that relay at regionals. You can’t even imagine how happy it’s been to be friends with everyone again, especially with you, and I’ve really loved swimming with and against you. I am in a good place now and I want to be your friend. More than anything, I don’t want to go down any more dark roads and I don’t think there would be anything but darkness if we went that way together. The way I feel about you would turn all the good things ugly and instead of a happy, loving journey we shared together, the way a relationship is supposed to be, ours would turn into dark, painful road that would probably break us both. Because I’ve heard how you were when I was gone, what your fixation on me did to you and how miserable and closed off you were. Maybe, your fixation made you as miserable as my fixation made me.”

Rin laughed without humor.

“See! Even now, I’m trying to outdo you! I don’t even like thinking about what it would be like for us together because I like you a lot and I don’t like thinking how miserable we would make each other.”

 

After he'd finished, Rin fell silent and looked as far in the opposite direction as he could, probably so he could hide his face. His words had stabbed Haru in the heart, both for their sincerity and for the kernels of truth in them. Haru couldn’t help himself, he reached out and lightly touched Rin on the shoulder, trying to comfort him anyway he could. Rin turned to him with a face full of profound sorrow and Haru had to take a few deep breaths to stop himself from crying. Rin, when it came down to it, was a really great person. He was deeply passionate and despite the attitude he tried to convince people with, he really cared about people. It hurt to hear Rin speak so of himself but it was agonizing admitting that he might be right. Rin certainly believed it. When Haru touched his shoulder, Rin looked at him and seeing him so upset seemed to relieve Rin’s feelings. Gently, he brought his hand up and tenderly rested it on Haru’s.

“You and I would be really bad for each other because we are too similar and too competitive with each other. But we have a really excellent friendship and it means more to me than pretty much anything. With some other guy, someone I don’t have this insane need to prove myself better with, I will be really happy. Don’t worry about that. But as far as you and I go, I am really happy having you as my best friend and fierce opponent. Nothing more and nothing less. Promise me it won’t change.”

And then, to prove his sincerity, Rin smiled.

“I promise.” Haru whispered hoarsely, although the urge to jump on him and do unspeakable things had never, ever been so strong before. Haru’s heart was positively racing and he half wondered if Rin’s was beating faster. Rin had never been more honest with him and at that moment, Haru’s heart belonged to Rin.

“Makoto’s good for you,” Rin continued, letting his hand drop off Haru’s, “he’s just what you need.”  
Haru felt angry Rin was bringing up Makoto at a time like this, then of course crushingly guilty for being angry at all.

“Why’s that?”

Rin laughed.

“Because no one loves Haru so completely and so well as Makoto. To be honest, I never took a chance with you even before I went to Australia because I couldn’t break Makoto’s heart like that. It would be like taking candy from a baby.”

“Makoto isn’t a baby.” Haru protested.

“He’s sweet, kind, and really happy. But you’re right. He’s no baby; babies are selfish and there isn’t a selfish bone in that boy’s body. Really, truly, I couldn’t be happier for you two. I can tell how happy you make each other.”

Hearing that from Rin made Haru feel many things, but happy wasn’t one of them.

“Thanks.”

 

They sat in silence after that, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. Haru was having difficulty even defining everything he was feeling, let alone dealing it. Why did he feel like he’d just been broken up with? He’d come here to tell Rin some upsetting news, but it was Haru who had horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. Why now did he feel closer to Rin than ever before, but at the same time further from him, even when he was on the other side of the world? Haru needed a bath to start sorting everything out and he needed it now.

“We should probably go,” Rin said after a while, “Nitori had mentioned wanting to watch a movie with some of the guys at Samezuka so I should be getting back.”  
Haru said nothing, but put his shoes back on and stood up. He was reluctant to leave Rin just yet, so he walked him to the train station. Rin didn’t complain and he said nothing when Haru sat down next to him on the bench by his track.  
“Hey Haru,” Rin said quietly, “there is actually something I wanted to ask you too. And I’m only asking now so you know I will be fine.”  
“What is it?”  
“Do you know if that guy Rei is seeing anyone? I’ve got a bit of a crush on him.”  
Rin was pink and smiling in embarrassment.  
“He’s with Nagisa. But if you are brave enough to go through Nagisa, go for it.”  
“No one is that brave!” Rin laughed, though it sounded a bit forced, “Alright, never mind. Just a thought.”  
They fell silent again.

The train came and the two boys stood up. Haru expected Rin to get on when the doors opened, but Rin did something unexpected before they parted. He threw his arms around Haru and hugged him tight.  
“We’ll always have the 100 free,” he whispered in Haru’s ear and before Haru could even breath, much less hug him back, Rin had dissapeared onto the train.

 

Haru scanned the train desperately, trying to get one last look at Rin, but Rin must be hiding. The train pulled out of the station and Haru stood on the platform alone, watching it vanish with Rin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I was not a big Haru/Rin fan. BUT episode 12 was just so great and my opinion of Rin changed so much, that, well, things changed. It's still a MakoHaru fic,though.


	6. A Difficult Weekend Without Makoto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his conversation with Rin, Haru has lots of angst

Haru’s phone beeped at him from the sink counter. The house was quiet enough that Haru could hear it from underneath the water. Since coming home after the train station, Haru had been in the tub. The water had long since gone cold and even Haru could tell he’d been in the water too long. It wasn’t like the bath had helped him sort out his problems; he was as conflicted and unhappy as ever.

Slowly, Haru lifted his naked body out of the tub and went to check his messages, dripping water all over the bathroom floor. He knew exactly who was texting him and, without knowing the exact words, he knew what it said. Sure enough, when Haru checked his phone with his wrinkly fingers, he saw Makoto’s name.

 

_“The twins were wondering if they were going to see you tonight. I hope I get to too! :D”_

 

Haru put his phone down and went back to the tub. He opened the drain and watched as the water slowly disappeared down the drain, contemplating whether or not he should fill the tub up again. One thing was certain; he couldn’t see Makoto. It would kill him to bask in Makoto’s love while he was struggling with such unfaithful feelings about Rin. Makoto must not know about any of it, no matter what, because it would make him miserable. Haru had known Makoto long enough that this wasn’t just some selfish exaggeration about his own importance; Makoto would be devastated. The last of the water drained away and for a moment Haru sat there, staring down at the empty tub. This was one problem that water couldn’t help with. Still completely naked and shivering, Haru got up and went back over to his phone.

_“I’m sorry, I don’t think I should come over. I’m not feeling well. Tell them I am sorry.”_

Haru snapped his phone shut and left it on the counter. Tonight, he couldn’t bear any concerned messages from Makoto. He didn’t deserve them. Not bothering to grab a towel, he walked out of the bathroom and straight to his bed. Still very much naked, Haru climbed into bed and pulled the covers over his head, sealing himself off from the outside world. Makoto hadn’t spent the night since last weekend, but his scent still lingered on the sheets. In his cocoon, enveloped in the smell of Makoto, it almost felt like Haru was in Makoto’s arms. If he wasn’t such a horrible person, that’s exactly where Haru could be right now, but the guilt was too much for him to allow himself that pleasure.

How could he feel these things about Rin when he was with Makoto!? No one, not even Rin, made Haru as happy as Makoto and even before Haru had said anything at Regionals, he’d figured out Makoto loved him. Like really loved him. That’s why he had taken the initiative; Makoto would never have said anything and been completely content as Haru’s friend. Haru hadn’t realized how Makoto felt until the training camp, where he’d almost drowned. But after Haru had that moment of epiphany, he couldn’t help but see love in everything Makoto did for him. Reflecting on their lives together, every single interaction between them from the time they were toddlers till now was filled with nothing but love and Makoto had been content to love and care for Haru without any expectation of Haru returning his feelings. Because of this love, they’d never fought before, never even said anything impolite to each other. Haru had always known he was a difficult person, he knew that without Makoto gently, kindly guiding the way, he might not ever talk to anyone. And this was how Haru had repaid all that love. By wanting someone else.

How could he have the audacity to have these feelings for Rin? How could he ever live with himself if he told Makoto and broke his heart? It wasn’t like he didn’t love Makoto because, that same night Makoto had almost drowned, Haru realized he couldn’t live without him. Seeing how much Makoto loved him, even when Haru ignored him and gave nothing back, made Haru’s imagination run wild with what they could have if Haru participated as well. And if someone asked Haru to choose between Rin and Makoto, he would pick Makoto every time. Rin had been in Australia and Haru had lived, but Haru didn’t even like to entertain the possibility of Makoto leaving. He couldn’t do it. So why could he not shake Rin?

Haru turned over on his shoulder so he faced the wall, staring blankly at his hands in front of his face and listening to the profound silence of an empty house, thinking.

 

At noon the next day, Haru woke up with a headache and swollen eyes. Last night, he’d stared relentlessly at his hands for hours and hours, thinking about everything Rin had said until his rebellious body drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning. He felt absolutely horrible, partially from his emotional distress, partially from his ravenous appetite and dehydration. If he’d been with Makoto last night, Makoto would have made sure Haru ate a proper dinner, but Haru had never been very good at taking care of himself when he was troubled. Throwing back his blankets, Haru slunk out of bed and pulled some clothes on before setting about making himself breakfast. No mackerel though, Haru didn’t deserve his favorite food today. Not when he had hurt his favorite person.

After a much needed meal, Haru walked through his house on his way back to bed. But when he passed the bathroom, he noticed his phone on the counter and the blinking red light indicated he had new notifications. For a second, Haru debated whether or not to ignore his phone and go to bed as planned. If Makoto didn’t hear from him soon, it was very likely he would come over to check up on Haru. Both Haru and Makoto had long been experts at breaking into each other’s homes, so Haru knew he was virtually powerless to stop Makoto from coming over unless he told him not to. Against every desire Makoto had, he would respect Haru’s request. So, reluctantly, Haru checked his messages and saw that Makoto had texted him three times and went through them, one by one:

_“Oh! I’m sorry to hear that! Anything I can do?”_

_“Would you like me to come take care of you? I would love to ;)”_

_“When you are able to see me, I’ll be here ☺ feel better! love you!”_

Haru slammed his phone shut and put it back on counter. The house suddenly felt stifling, like he couldn’t breathe, so Haru decided he needed some air.

 

Instead of running, Haru went for a very long walk. Of course his feet had taken him to the sea and the fresh air had done him some good. His headache at least was gone. Now as Haru opened the door to his house, the sun was beginning to set and the world was aglow with soft orange. The air was crisp and chilly and Haru wished Makoto were here to snuggle up with some tea and eat soup with. It was possible that Makoto was inside, waiting for him. But when Haru stepped into his house, it was dark and completely silent. Haru was alone here.

Before doing anything else, Haru went straight up to the bathroom where he’d left his phone, hoping to see a message from Makoto, but there were no new messages. Haru put his phone in his pants pocket in case Makoto messaged him. Really Haru knew he should be the one contacting Makoto, but Makoto was always the more forward, more active participant in their phone conversations. Haru’s stomach growled, so he went to the kitchen to make himself some dinner. He ate slowly, somehow equating eating with receiving a Makoto message because Haru’s phone often interrupted his meals. But the phone remained quiet; Haru had to eat in silence. After dinner, Haru took a long, hot bath and thought about Makoto, wondering what he was doing.

But that night, Haru dreamed of Rin and woke up in the middle of the night in the throws of Rin-inspired ecstasy. And after that, he couldn’t sleep because of the guilt.

For the rest of the weekend, Haru’s phone remained silent. A few times, Haru started a message for Makoto but each time he started, he just stared at the blank screen, not knowing how to begin. Apart from the Tachibana camping trips and the rare trips Haru took to Tokyo to visit his parents, this was the longest Haru had ever gone without seeing Makoto. And this time, there was no happy reunion to look forward to. This time, Makoto was just down the street and Haru’s own selfishness and infidelity was what kept them apart. And when they saw each other next, Makoto would be devastated. Without Makoto around, the house felt empty. Trying not to think about anything, Haru’s mind often strayed towards his offer to Makoto. How much he wished Makoto were here! But how could Haru share a bed with Makoto if he dreamt of someone else?

 

Monday morning, Haru had no issues getting himself ready for school on time. When he woke up from another unwelcomed dream about Rin, his clock said four thirty-five. He’d tried to go back to sleep, but he’d forced himself to sleep too much during the weekend. Besides, the prospect of seeing Makoto again made him restless. So instead of sleep, he took a long time through his morning routine, hoping every second to hear Makoto coming through the upstairs window, his almost preferred way of getting into Haru’s house. But the house remained painfully quiet. Finally it was time to go to school. Haru grabbed his school bag and went out the door, locking it behind him.

Sitting on the steps outside, waiting for him, was Makoto. He was playing with the little kitten they’d sort of adopted while he waited for Haru to appear. Seeing him made Haru feel a million times worse than he had all weekend. He’d betrayed Makoto, but here he was, as always, waiting for him. When Makoto saw Haru, he smiled his usual smile, but the dark circles under his eyes and his slightly pallid skin didn’t go unnoticed by Haru.  
“Hi, Haru!” he greeted enthusiastically, “do you mind if I walk with you to school?”  
Haru’s stomach contracted and he had to resist the urge to run back into his house.  
“Sure.” he managed to choke out. Makoto smiled and together they walked silently to school. Haru made sure to keep the distance between them so there was no possibility of them touching.

All day, Haru couldn’t pay attention to anything; he couldn’t bring himself to even look at Makoto. At lunch, he made some excuse about needing to talk to a teacher and watched with dismay as Makoto, still smiling, tried to hide the lunch he’d made for him. Instead of eating with his friends or talking to a teacher, Haru ate out by the pool, alone.

Because of lunch, Makoto’s shoulders acquired an unwelcome droop that compounded Haru’s guilt. Makoto certainly didn’t deserve this, but he deserved to hear that Haru had been dreaming about another guy all weekend even less. When it came time for swim practice, Haru did the unthinkable and skipped, deciding his tub would have to satisfy his need to be in the water for today. This was maybe not the wisest choice as there was a small, local swim meet this weekend and they’d all registered together as unattached swimmers. But Haru couldn’t face Makoto that afternoon. He just couldn’t. So for the first time in a long time, Haru walked home alone.

When Haru finally steeled up his courage and checked his phone late that night, there were five new messages on his phone. The first one was from Nagisa:

_“Haru-chan! I’m the one who misses practices, not you! You better be there tomorrow :P”_

The second one was from Gou:

_“I hope you’re feeling alright. Makoto said you’d been feeling badly all weekend. Are you sick? Rin will be disappointed if you don’t race him this weekend. I better see you tomorrow…OR ELSE!!!!”_

The third was again from Nagisa:

_“HARU-CHAN!!!!!! >:o!!!!! answer me!!!!!!”_

The fourth one was really long and it was from Rin;

_“Hey Haru, I just wanted to tell you I really appreciate the conversation we had on Friday. I feel so much better telling it, like I’m free! There’s this guy from school who I like and now I feel like it’s ok for me to hang out with him :) I invited him to the meet this weekend so you gotta tell me what you think! He’s super cute ;) we can go on a double date sometime, if everything goes well this weekend. or a triple date! that would be fun! but nitori would need someone. anyways, my sister says you didn’t go to practice today. Everything all right? Better see you tomorrow! Nitori’s been looking forward to swimming a distance set with you all weekend so don’t disappoint him!!!!”_

Haru had to read Rin’s message a few times to believe it. Had someone stolen Rin’s phone? The last person in the entire world to use emoticons was Rin and he sounded, well he sounded kind of like Nagisa. But who else would send Haru that message? It was definitely Rin.

The fifth and final message was from Makoto.

_“Missed you at practice. Can you please tell me what’s going on? Did I do something? I miss you, I love you, and I want to help.”_

A knife went through Haru’s heart. Of course Makoto would think Haru was upset with him. Haru may not be able to tell Makoto about his issues with Rin, but at least he could assure Makoto that he hadn’t done anything to upset Haru.

_“I’m sorry. A lot on my mind and I need to think. Of course you didn’t do anything. I miss you too but I can’t see you right now.”_

 

Haru knew this wasn’t a very adequate explanation and apparently neither did Makoto. Thirty seconds after Haru sent his message he got a reply from Makoto.

_“Please tell me what you need to think about. I can help.”_

Haru debated whether he should just invite Makoto over and tell him everything, but decided against it. He didn’t want to hurt Makoto by telling him about his feelings for Rin. But Haru could at least tell him he was upset because of Rin. That way Makoto couldn’t blame himself.

_“On Friday I told Rin about us.”_

The phone remained silent for exactly three minutes and forty-seven seconds before Haru got a reply. This hesitation did not bode well. Haru shouldn’t have told him, but now he couldn’t take it back.

_“How did that go?”_

Haru instantly typed out his reply.

_“Well. He’s happy for us.”_

Makoto’s reply took fifteen agonizing minutes to come back.

_“I don’t understand. What’s wrong? Please, it’s ok if you tell me. I just want to understand.”_

Seven minutes and twenty-nine seconds later, Haru responded.

_“I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it. It was hard.”_

Ten minutes later, Makoto texted Haru back.

_“I understand. I love you.”_

Haru had no right to say ‘I love you back’, not when he’d been thinking about Rin all weekend, even if Haru wanted to. If you loved someone, how could you feel so strongly about someone else too? So Haru put down his phone and went to do the dishes.

That was the last Haru heard from Makoto that night

 

The next morning, there was no Makoto to walk Haru to school. In class, Makoto looked like a complete wreck, but he greeted Haru warmly, pretending nothing was wrong. Haru ducked down to the pool for lunch again and when they came back from lunch, Makoto couldn’t look at Haru either. Classes went by in a blur and Haru couldn’t think about anything but the gulf he’d created between them. Every movement Makoto made, every sigh that came out of his mouth, every visible sign of Makoto’s emotional distress Haru saw and knew was his fault. He was so fixated on Makoto’s unhappiness, he forgot to think about Rin completely.

 

Knowing he had a meet over the weekend, Haru didn’t dare miss practice that afternoon, much as he wanted to keep himself away from everyone. Rei, Nagisa, and Gou expressed their relief that he was back in the pool. Rin was uncharacteristically jovial that afternoon because, he confided to Haru during warm up, he had held his new guy’s hand for the first time during lunch. And Nitori was beyond happy to have someone to swim his long, mind numbing set with. But Makoto kept his distance and Haru only cared about him. Makoto perked up minutely when Rin joined him for a backstroke set – Rin was practicing for the 200 and 400 IM now too and needed to work on his worst stroke, backstroke, more than the others. In between grueling 500 hundreds freestyle with Nitori, Haru peeked over and saw Makoto smile a few times. More than anything, he wanted to go over and see what Rin was saying to make him smile, but that wasn’t his place and he’d been so unfair to Makoto that he didn’t deserve the pleasure of his smiles. But smile or not, Makoto was still obviously unhappy. At the end of practice, Makoto made some excuse about needing to leave and by the time Haru entered the locker room, Makoto had vanished.

 

Rin was the life of the party during their group shower that afternoon. Rei and Nagisa were a receptive audience for Rin to gush about his new love interest – Nitori didn’t look particularly happy about it – and he told all of them hilarious, never-before-heard stories about adjusting to life in Australia. As he listened to Rin’s disastrous first experience with Vegemite, Haru tried to remember the last time he’d seen Rin smile so much. His text message had seemed too happy, but seeing him at practice this afternoon had confirmed, beyond a doubt, that Rin was actually, truly happy. And the most surprising thing of all was how relieved that made Haru feel.

As Haru let the water pound down on his head and listened to the rest of the boys laughing hysterically, something unclenched from around Haru’s heart that he hadn’t noticed before. And it was all because of Rin. Rin was happy. Hard as it was to believe, Rin was actually happy. When it came down to it, wasn’t that just what Haru wanted? For Rin to swim with him and to be happy? And the really nice thing was that Rin had made it clear Haru had a part in that happiness. Maybe not in the capacity both of them had always expected. Rin had told Haru about this new guy first and it wasn’t to prove anything to Haru. It was just to share his happiness with Haru because Haru was an important friend. And Haru finally felt content with that. Rin’s text message had said how free he felt after their conversation. Now Haru felt it too.

 

At some point, the other boys must have finished their shower because they came in to pry Haru away once they were already dressed. Haru complied and was soon on his way home, almost smiling with the lightness he felt. Rin was his friend and he was happy. That was more than he could ever hope for.

But then he passed Makoto’s house and all that happiness about Rin came crashing down. Makoto…how could Haru fix things with him? Maybe things finally felt resolved with Rin, but Haru had ruined everything with Makoto.

And Makoto mattered to Haru more than anything.


	7. A Talk with Rei and The Swim Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei talks some much-needed sense into Haru and convinces Haru of the necessity of making things right with Makoto at the swim meet that weekend.

For the rest of the week, Haru tried to figure out how he could things right with Makoto. Every time Haru saw Makoto, Makoto would smile and try to act like everything was alright, but Haru could see right through him to the heart break tearing Makoto apart. He hadn’t come back to pick Haru up in the morning and Haru hadn’t seen two lunch boxes again that week. 

Physically, he was a wreck too. After Makoto’s first set of goldfish, the ones the old fisherman had given him, died, Makoto hadn’t slept for a week. Now, Makoto looked exactly how he had back then, give or take a few feet. Generally he was all disheveled and the bags under his eyes grew daily. And his performance at practice suggested he wasn’t eating enough. 

As the week progressed, Haru felt he needed to hold Makoto, give him a bath and a proper meal, and tell him how much he loved him over and over again while Makoto drifted off to sleep. But Haru just didn’t understand how he could get from this miserable point he was at now to that one. Every time he tried to say something to Makoto, every time he opened his phone to text him or call him, every time he even looked at Makoto, Haru just couldn’t find the words to tell him how sorry he was. And the longer he waited, the worse the situation got. His only solution was to avoid Makoto as much as possible and that, of course, also made things worse.

 

Haru needed help.

 

Somehow, that agonizing week came to a close and Friday, they had their usual joint practice with Nitori and Rin. Thankfully practice was mostly working on starts, flipturns, and low impact sets so they would all be rested for the meet this weekend. Haru had signed up to do the 50, 100, 200, and 400 free without any relays since, as they were all swimming unaffiliated, they couldn’t register as a team. Coach Goru made Rin and Haru do a kick set together and while the two splashed alongside each other, Rin couldn’t stop talking about his new boyfriend. Apparently his name was Yamada Anzai and he was from Aomori. He’d come to Samezuka Academy to get to know his father, who his mother divorced when he was a child and who now lived in the area. At school, Yamada was pretty much considered the best artist and Rin explained how he wore these big round glasses that magnified his beautiful eyes and had a really killer smile. And, much to Rin’s amusement, he couldn’t swim at all. Haru listened to Rin telling him all about his plans to exchange swim lessons for having his picture painted. Rin was so absorbed in telling Haru everything about his new boyfriend, he didn’t seem to notice Haru was paying more attention to the opposite side of the pool, where Makoto was working with Coach Goru on his backstroke starts.

 

Just before practice was over, Makoto got out of the water early like he had all week, but this time Nagisa followed him. Puzzled, Haru watched as they disappeared into the locker room, wondering what they were talking about. But by the time he went in, they were both gone.

Later that afternoon, Haru was opening his front door when he heard someone call his name behind him. Turning around, he was surprised to find Rei climbing the stairs two at a time towards.

“What are you doing here, Rei?” Haru asked when Rei caught up to him.

“I need to talk to you.” Rei replied, pivoting around Haru so he went into the house before Haru. Haru didn’t complain. Honestly, this week had felt incredibly isolating and it made him happier than he cared to admit to have some company.

Haru went through the usual motions of hospitality, making Rei some tea and asking if he’d like to stay for dinner. Maybe the dinner invitation was pushing it, but Haru was feeling lonely and Rei, thankfully, accepted.

Silently, Rei watched Haru grill some non-mackerel fish (Haru still hadn’t brought himself to eat his favorite fish yet) and prepare rice. It wasn’t until they were both seated with their supper that Rei finally spoke.

“Haru, what is going on between you and Makoto?” he asked flatly.

Haru blushed, “Why?”

“You have been avoiding him all week and the poor guy is beside himself worrying about you. Nagisa and I asked him what the matter was today at lunch and he actually started crying! Thank goodness Gou was off with some of her girlfriends and we were alone! He’s really upset and I’m worried about him. And I’m worried about you too; besides at swim practice, we haven’t seen you at all. I demand you tell me what happened.”

Haru’s first reaction was to tell Rei to mind his own business, but Haru knew from experience that Rei wasn’t one to leave without the answers he was looking for. It would be easier just to tell him and Rei could probably help Haru out with Makoto.

“Last Friday, I told Rin about us,” Haru explained, “and it was hard because I have some feelings for Rin too and he explained exactly how he felt about me.”

Rei cocked an eyebrow but let Haru continue without interruption. Having a willing audience, Haru found himself telling Rei everything that he’d been feeling since that Friday, all the guilt and disloyalty and betrayal. Rei listened patiently as Haru explained that he couldn’t face Makoto because he’d been so unfaithful to him. It was the most words Haru had ever spoken to Rei at one time and Rei seemed a little surprised at how garrulous Haru was being. But once Haru had finally finished telling Rei all his woes, he felt infinitely better.

“Haru, I’m sorry this was so difficult for you,” Rei said when Haru fell silent, “but Makoto already knows you have feelings for Rin. You didn’t need to hide that and be so horrible to Makoto.”

“How do you know that?”

Rei laughed coldly, “Haru, come one. Makoto isn’t blind. The first thing he said to Nagisa and I when we interrogated him about you two was how he couldn’t believe you’d chosen him over Rin. The actual words that came out of his mouth were ‘I’d never thought Haru could feel this way about me! I always thought he only cared for Rin like this!’ and he was actually thrilled to compare himself to Rin!”

Haru’s head started to spin. 

“Haru, you should have just talked about this with him. Today at lunch, he told us that he thought you were going to leave him to be with Rin. He kept saying how he wanted you to be happy and it clearly was Rin that could give you what you needed, not him.”

“He said that?”

“Yes! He went on and on about how happy Rin would make you and how happy he would be for the two of you. But it was clear he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince us and he couldn’t help but cry. And it didn’t help that the two of you were so buddy-buddy during practice. So while Nagisa and I swam our set, we decided Makoto needed to be taken out to do something fun tonight. He needs a distraction to take his mind off things and hopefully get a good night’s sleep. The other part of our plan was for one of us to come here and try to sort out what’s going through that water-logged head of yours.”

“So why did you chose to come here?” Haru asked.

“Well in all honesty, Nagisa is pretty furious at you too. He’s been complaining about how mean you’ve been to Makoto and he said he would probably just yell at you if he came here. Besides, Nagisa is much better at being the fun one than I am. Now the real question is what do you want from Makoto. He thinks you’re going to break up with him and if you are, you need to just do it rather than stringing him along like this.” 

“I don’t want to break up with him. I want to be with Makoto.” Haru said dumbly.

“I’m glad to hear it! Now just tell Makoto that and everything will be fine!”

“I don’t know how to make things right again. Since Wednesday, I’ve been trying to figure out how but I just can’t get started.”

Rei smiled like Haru was a complete idiot. Which, admittedly, Haru was.

“Well first you need to tell Makoto what’s been going on because he’s been driving himself crazy wondering and then you need to do something that shows him how much you appreciate and love him. Because of what a complete jerk you’ve been, it needs to be something really honest and apologetic. If I were you, I would do something really big because you have been the worst boyfriend in the world. Also because you are Haru, I would suggest you write a letter or something to get it all out because, no offense, but you really are not good at expressing things.”

Despite himself, Haru had to smile. Haru having difficulty expressing himself was the understatement of the year. 

“And don’t ever pull a stunt like this again! Being in a relationship means you have someone to talk about these things with and if you’d just talked to him in the first place, you would not have made either of you feel so horrible all week. So next time there is an issue talk to Makoto because you won’t find anyone more understanding or forgiving than him. And frankly, you’ve been downright mean to him this entire week and Makoto deserves the moon! So whatever you do for Makoto, it must be really wonderful!”

Haru nodded and Rei looked satisfied. An idea began to form in Haru’s head about what he could do for Makoto. Once Rei was gone, he would get started right away. Rei let him mull over his plan while they finished their meal.

“Rei,” Haru said quietly after he swallowed his last bite, “when did you and Nagisa talk to him about us?”

Rei smiled devilishly, “The day after you kissed him on the cheek at lunch. We had this bet to see if you two were together or not and we needed to clarify the exact terms of your relationship in order to settle the bet properly.”

“And you won?” 

Rei blushed and nodded.

“So Nagisa bet against us. Why did you bet for us?”

Rei pushed his glasses further up his nose and explained; “Nagisa-san was convinced that Makoto’s feelings were completely one-sided and that Makoto would never in a million years initiate anything. He was convinced you were too in love with Rin to notice anyone else.”

 

“And you, Rei, why did you bet for us?”

“Because I saw a change in the way you were with him. Makoto was the same as always, but ever since that squid festival, you have looked at Makoto differently and you smile a lot more. Sure, there was Rin and it was clear you and him have a really strange, intimate relationship, but even factoring Rin into the equation, you lit up too much for Makoto and Makoto was just too darn happy for me to think you’d chosen Rin. Honestly, I don’t get what the great appeal of Rin is; he’s better now, but you guys are all weirdly obsessed with him. But whatever, he’s all right. I think it was easier for me to see you were with Makoto because I haven’t known you as long and I guess I don’t have that obsession with Rin. And it was clear you were both just so much happier, especially Makoto.”

Rei looked at his watch.

“Haru, I need to get going. Tomorrow I swim the 100 Breast for the first time in a race and I need to brush up on some theory. Fix things with Makoto tomorrow or else I will sick Nagisa on you. I don’t think I need to tell you what Nagisa is capable of, so it’s in your best interest – both for your relationship with Makoto and for your own health – that you fix things tomorrow.”

“I will, Rei.”

“Do you promise? I can’t stand anymore of this. It’s disruptive to the team.”

“I promise Rei.”

“Alright then, see you tomorrow and I look forward to hearing what you come up with to apologize to Makoto.” 

Rei got up and Haru walked him to the door. He was starting to descend the stairs outside, but Haru called after him before he went too far. 

“Thanks, Rei.”

Rei smiled and waved goodbye. Haru watched as he disappeared before going inside and putting his plan in motion.

 

Bright and early the next day, everyone was warming up together at the swim meet. Haru, Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, and Nitori all shared a lane because there were quite a few swim teams registered and space was somewhat limited. Haru was disappointed that so many swimmers were young – that meant the meet would take a long, long time going through all the younger age divisions – but at least Haru and the others would get some good racing practice in. Haru tried to stay away from Rin as much as possible so Makoto wouldn’t get anymore ideas, but Rin managed to corner Haru and point out his new boyfriend.  
“That’s him over there!” he said as he waved shyly up in the stands, “Isn’t he adorable?”  
A bespectacled teenaged boy waved back, but Haru couldn’t get a good look at him from the pool. Rin deflated a bit when Haru told him that.  
“Well you will have to meet him later. I want your opinion!”

Warm up ended and Haru was still unable to get Makoto on his own. As he’d been doing all week, Makoto tried to act like nothing was wrong. Whenever Haru caught his eye, Makoto would smile, but Haru could tell how forced and pained that smile really was. Unfortunately, the first event of the day was the 100 Backstroke, so Haru decided to wait until after Makoto’s race to talk to him. Haru got dressed in his warm up gear, patting his pocket where the results of his apology project were safely folded up. 

The heats for the younger kids dragged on and on and Haru waited impatiently in the stands with Rei, Nagisa, and Nitori for Makoto’s heat. Rin was signed up for the 100 back as well and for once, Haru was glad he wasn’t around. Haru didn’t know how much more of infatuated Rin he could take right now. Thankfully no one talked to Haru as they waited, he was free to concentrate completely on Makoto, waiting patiently for his heat. Haru wouldn’t have even been aware of Rin’s race except that Gou, Nagisa, and Nitori cheered for him so loudly, it was impossible to tune them out. Rin posted a personal best, but Haru really couldn’t care about that right now.

When it was finally Makoto’s turn to race, he finished eight whole seconds off his best time and, much like Rin at regionals, he slipped a few times trying to get himself out of the pool. Alarmed, Haru ran downstairs to find Makoto, to unburden his soul and tell him that he loved him, but by the time he got there, Makoto was nowhere to be found. Haru checked the warm down pool, the locker rooms, the halls, everywhere, but Makoto seemed to have simply vanished. 

Dejectedly, Haru returned to the bleachers where they’d made camp. Nitori and Gou were there by themselves because Rei and Nagisa had gone to get ready for the 200 breast. They had each signed up for the 100 and 200 breast and fly and the 200 IM and Haru had the sneaking suspicion that their choice of events might have more sexual favor wagers attached to them. Why else would Nagisa swim a stroke he complained about so much?

“You missed Makoto, Haru-senpai,” Nitori said as Haru walked up, “he looked really upset about his race and took off under the bleachers.”  
“Go find him now,” Gou said darkly before.

Without saying a word to either of them, Haru ran off in search of Makoto. It didn’t take long before Haru heard some sniffling under the bleachers furthest away from the starting blocks that had a distinct Makoto tone to them.


	8. Haru's List of 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru tells Makoto everything and reads him a list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally time for some fluff! Had to take an unexpected Rin-angsty detour after episode 12....

“Makoto?” Haru called out into the shadows underneath the bleachers, his heart beating quickly against his chest like he’d just swam a race. Something large stirred in the furthest corner under the bleacher. What light filtered in fell on a pair of big feet Haru would recognize anywhere.

“I’m here, Haru-chan.”

Makoto’s voice lacked its usual composure and Haru didn’t need to see Makoto to know he’d been crying. In Haru’s whole life, he’d only heard Makoto cry three times; once when his old fisherman friend died, once when the last of the goldfish the fisherman had given Makoto died, and once when Makoto’s father had been in the hospital to have his appendix removed. Each time, Haru had been just outside Makoto’s bedroom door or somewhere else Makoto couldn’t see. Not once in their fifteen year friendship had Makoto knowingly cried in front of Haru and, of all the firsts they’d experienced together, this was Haru’s least favorite. 

“Can I come in?” Haru asked uncertainly, not feeling like he should be welcomed anywhere near Makoto.

But he was talking to Makoto.

“Of course, of course!” Makoto said with painfully forced cheerfulness, “I was just upset about my race.”

Haru ducked under the bleachers and sat down next to Makoto, leaving a wide space between them, partly to punish himself, partly to see how Makoto would react to what he had to say. While Haru got settled, Makoto tried to clandestinely wipe away his tears but that only made them painfully more obvious.

“You aren’t upset about your race,” Haru said quietly, “you don’t care too much about races, especially at a meet like this. I know I’m the one really upsetting you.”

Makoto stared at Haru in disbelief before the corners of his mouth drooped down in a gut-wrenching frown. He curled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly.

“Haru if you would rather be with Rin than with me, don’t worry about me. That’s…”

“No.” Haru interrupted him firmly, unwilling to hear what adjective Makoto would come up with. Fine? Alright? Great? Makoto would have used any of them; Haru couldn’t hear him saying any.

Makoto curled up tighter and looked down at his bare feet.

The hurt so evident in the slump of his shoulders made Haru want to run away and punish himself more. He couldn’t stand seeing Makoto so sad and he hated knowing he was the one who’d caused it. But Rei was right; Haru owed him an explanation.

“Makoto, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve treated you this week. I’ve felt awful and really conflicted and I didn’t know how to deal with things. Really, I was so worried about hurting your feelings or upsetting you in any way that the only solution I could see was to deal with this problem myself without causing you any grief. But I see now that was the wrong thing to do because I’ve made you so sad and there’s nothing I hate worse than when you are upset. What’s conflicted me so much was Rin, but I want to explain things to you so you don’t get the wrong idea.”

Looking at Haru, Makoto unfolded his body and let his legs stretch out again. His arms fell down to his side and he gently placed his hand on the floor next to him in a very deliberate manner, wordlessly asking Haru to sit closer. A bit reluctantly, Haru scooted closer, though he still felt too horrible to allow any physical contact between them.

“I told Rin about us and he was surprised at first. But then he was really happy for us. He has a really high opinion of you, by the way, and he is your friend. He’s been more of a friend to you this week than I have.”

Haru paused, giving Makoto a chance to say something but Makoto said nothing, waiting for Haru to explain himself.

“I was confused because Rin and I had always had…something.” 

There. It was said. Haru stopped to see how Makoto reacted to this, but he didn’t even blink or show any other signs of astonishment. Rei was right; this wasn’t news to him. This encouraged Haru to continue and finally tell Makoto everything:

“Last Friday, we talked about how he feels about me and he said that, even if I didn’t have you, he would never want to be with me because we are too competitive with each other. He said he would be afraid that he would hurt me, would want to hurt me, to prove he was better than me. But he also said he’s been really happy having me as his friend again and that he’s really, really happy with how things are now, especially when we swim against each other. All this week, he’s been telling me about this new guy he’s dating, actually. He came to the meet today to cheer on Rin.”

“I’m glad to hear he’s happy again,” Makoto said quietly, “So how come you’ve been so upset?”

Haru really didn’t want to say this next part, but he’d committed to going through with it and Makoto deserved to know everything. 

“I’m sorry to say this, but until Tuesday, it felt like Rin and I had broken up. It was terrible. But I felt worse when I thought that I’m with you and that I was a traitor. I couldn’t be around you because I felt like I’d cheated on you by feeling so bad about Rin.”

Haru peeked guiltily out at Makoto, but there was no trace of anger, jealousy, or even surprise. The worst was over.

“But then on Tuesday, during the joint practice, he was really friendly towards you and he was happier than I’d ever seen him. That day, I realized I was happy for Rin and that I really was finally content with how things are with us. I don’t know, seeing him so happy felt like a release. But when I realized this, it made me feel a thousand times worse because of how I’d treated you all weekend. All week, I wanted to apologize, but I just didn’t know how. And the more time went by, the more hurt you became and that made it that much harder to do anything.”

Shyly and apologetically, Haru placed his palm on Makoto’s thigh and stared at it.

“I’m sorry, Makoto. I’ve been a bad boyfriend.”

Scared at what he would see, Haru looked up at Makoto through his bangs. Makoto was frowning, but he opened up his arm, asking Haru to come closer. Grateful for the gesture, Haru scooted up to his side and Makoto slung his arm across Haru’s back, tucking his thumb into Haru’s swimsuit, dragging him in closer. Haru leaned his head against Makoto’s shoulder and Makoto leaned his head on Haru’s. Not until Makoto welcomed him to his customary spot did Haru realize how much he’d really missed Makoto. Makoto may not be smiling yet, but the hard part was over and now Haru could begin the second part of his plan. He reached into his pocket and brought out the folded piece of paper.

“I really do love you, Makoto. You’ve always been my best friend and you’re the best boyfriend I could ever hope for. I know this doesn’t make up for how badly I’ve treated you, but I needed to do something to show you how much I appreciate you. So I made a list of 15 reasons I love you. I didn’t put down because you are the kindest, most caring, and sweetest person I know. Everyone loves you for those reasons. These are fifteen special reasons why I love you and why I’m happy to be with you.”

Makoto pulled Haru in closer as Haru began reading the list he’d stayed up most of the night thinking of and wording just right.

“Number one: I love Makoto because of how he smells – like clean laundry, chlorine, and something I’ve never been able to figure out. It’s both sweet and fresh. I love sleeping in your shirts when I can’t sleep next to you because your shirts smell like you. Whenever you are not spending the night with me, I always use the pillow you sleep on because it smells like you. For me, your smell is the smell of home.”

“Number two: I love Makoto because after every time we’ve had sex, you always kiss me on my neck, right below my ear, and you hug me around my chest and pull me next to you. You never see it, but it always makes me smile because it’s almost like you’re thanking me for experiencing this with you and it’s so incredibly sweet. Right now I’d like to thank you now for experiencing sex with me because it’s really wonderful with you. We trust each other and that’s why it’s so good. I hope you can still trust me after I’ve been this week.”

“Number three: I love Makoto because it’s so easy to make you blush. You blush the most when you are happy and it makes me happy to make you happy.”

“Number four: I love Makoto because you look so good when you do a backstroke start. You have so much arch in your back, it gets my mind racing about ways I can put that delicious curve in your spine in other contexts. You probably don’t know this because I’ve never told you, but I fantasize about you a lot. I have for a long time without even admitting it to myself. I fantasize about you because I love and trust that you wouldn’t make fun of the things I think about.”

“Number five: I love Makoto because you have a different smile for different people. Some people probably don’t recognize their own, special Makoto smile, but I know each one. And my absolute favorite one is the special smile you have just for me.”

“Number six: I love Makoto because of the noises you make when you’re asleep. They aren’t snores and it isn’t exactly talking in your sleepy, but they are really cute and I miss them when you aren’t around.”

“Number seven: I love Makoto because nothing feels so wonderful as one of your hugs. The first time I realized how much I liked being hugged by you was the first night my parents were gone and you spent the night because you knew I was sad and didn’t want me to be alone. We didn’t do anything because I hadn’t thought about it yet, but you hugged me and held me for a really long time and I fell asleep in your arms. That’s one of my top five Makoto moments of all time and I’ve never told you how much that night meant to me.”

“Number eight, I love Makoto because you always split popsicles with me. Even when we were really little and you had a massive sweet tooth, you always made sure to share your popsicle or any other sweet you had with me. I think sharing your sweets with me gives you more pleasure than the amount of pleasure eating the sweets gives me. That’s what makes you wonderful. You’ve always taken care of me however you could and without you I’m completely lost. I’m new to taking care of someone besides myself and I haven’t done a very good job of it so far. In the future, I will try harder to take better care of you.”

Haru felt his head shake, then he heard what was clearly sniffles. In alarm, Haru lifted his head off Makoto’s shoulder to see what was the matter. Makoto was crying again, but this time, Makoto made no effort to hide his tears. It’s possible he hadn’t even noticed; he was too busy smiling at Haru. Shyly, Haru stretched his neck up and kissed Makoto tenderly on the underside of his chin and Makoto laughed. Encouraged that this wasn’t too sappy and Makoto liked what Haru was telling him, Haru put his head back on Makoto’s shoulder and continued reading the rest of the list.

“Number nine: I love Makoto because you always know when I need time to think things through and you’ve never had a problem letting me be quiet around you. Most people want me to tell them things quickly and I really don’t like a lot of noise, especially when there is too much talking. If there is one thing I’ve always appreciated about you, even when we were tiny little kids, it’s that you never thought I was weird because I’m quiet. You always just accepted that that was how I am and liked me anyway.”

“Number ten: I love Makoto because I know you will always be there for me. Maybe it’s a bit presumptuous to say, but I feel I will always have you as a friend and you will always support me. I hope you think the same about me, even though no one could be as supportive as you are. This past week was a horrible example, but I want to always be there for you too. Many people have left my life, but you have always been the one constant and that means the world to me. I want to be your constant.”

“Number eleven: I love Makoto because you don’t even realize how truly rare of a person you are and how special you are. I’ve never met anyone so selfless and honestly kind in my life and I don’t think I ever will again. You always put other people first and it makes you so genuinely happy to do it. I don’t deserve you, but I’m truly blessed to have you.”

“Number twelve: I love Makoto because you’ve not once lost faith in me. I’ve lost all sight of myself and doubted everything in the past, but even at my worst, you’ve always been able to drag me out. It’s like I’m always on the brink of drowning, but you always reach into the water to pull me up just in time.”

“Number thirteen: I love Makoto because it feels so right and wonderful, natural and easy, to be with you. Our friendship has always been so simple and effortless and I don’t find it easy to be around most people. This week was the first real rough patch I think I’ve ever faced with you, and it was completely my fault. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Number fourteen: I love Makoto because you are so vital to me. I could handle my grandmother’s death, my parents’ absence, and Rin being away. I can’t handle having you out of reach because you’re like another part of me. We can talk without saying words and you always seem to know what I’m thinking. Maybe I haven’t always appreciated you like I should, but the handful of times I thought you were gone were the worst times of my life.”

“And number fifteen, I love Makoto because every time I see you, I feel warm and happy on the inside. You’ve never made it a mystery how much you love me and I’ve always felt it. I haven’t always understood it, but I’ve always felt it. This isn’t much, but I hope this list let’s you know just how loved you are too.”

For a long time, neither Haru nor Makoto said anything. They just sat entwined in each other’s arms, Haru barely breathing. But the list wasn’t the end.

“Makoto, once again I’m really sorry. Rei told me that the great benefit of relationships was to have someone to talk your feelings out with who cared enough to listen and I should have just talked to you about my problem instead of making a giant mess of everything. If it’s all right, I’m not done making it up to you. I would…I would like to take you out to dinner tonight…on a date…our….our first real date ever. Would you go on a date with me? Then if it’s all right and you want to, I would like to spend the night with you. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, but I’ve really missed you and tomorrow morning I want to bring you breakfast in bed.”

“Haru-chan, I would really like that. And I forgive you.” Haru’s heart lept up in his throat and he dropped the list so he could wrap an arm around Makoto’s chest. Makoto squeezed him hard.  
“I’ve missed you a lot too. Just try to talk to me next time you are having an issue; I’ll always listen. I wanted to help this week, but you wouldn’t give me the chance and that hurt worse than the idea of you breaking up with me for Rin.”

“I promise Makoto. I love you.”

“I love you too. Thanks for the list, it was really, really nice to hear.”

 

Three hours later, Nagisa popped his head around the corner of the bleachers Makoto and Haru were sitting under.

“Mako-chan! Haru-chan! You both just missed your 100 frees!”

Neither Haru nor Makoto moved an inch.

“It doesn’t matter, Nagisa,” Haru’s voice rumbled from the corner, “Go away.”

Makoto made no objection, so Nagisa went back to their team area and let the grievous infraction of missing a race slide, just this once.

 

Another two and a half hours later, Rei peeked around the bleachers.

“Haru the 400 free is coming up. You’re going to miss all your races today if you don’t swim this one.”

“I don’t care.”

Something moved in the shadows.

“Come on, Haru-chan,” Makoto’s voice clucked, “it would be bad form for you to miss all your races. Swim this, then we can be done for the day. You should go warm up.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Please?”

“If you want.”

 

Together, Haru and Makoto emerged from their nest, Makoto in front with Haru holding onto his pinky. Neither of them so much as looked at Rei as they passed him, they were both too busy eyeing each other and smiling. When they got to the railing of the upper viewing deck, they turned towards each other at the same time.

“Have a good warm up, Haru-chan. Do well in your 400!”

Haru beamed brightly at Makoto and stretched up so he could peck Makoto on the lips, instantly making Makoto turn pink and giggly. Then, reluctantly, Haru parted for his warm up downstairs. It wasn’t until Haru was gone that Makoto noticed Rei standing by him, eyeing him sidelong and restraining himself from asking any questions. Makoto laughed and clapped Rei on the shoulder.

“Come on, let’s go to the team area. I need some water before the 400s start.”

When Makoto and Rei rejoined the others minus Rin, Haru, and Nitori, Makoto curled up with a water bottle and watched the meet, chatting happily with his friends as they waited for Nitori and Haru’s heats. Although Nagisa and Rei were dying to know, no one asked Makoto what Haru had said. They really didn’t need to; the constant smile spread across Makoto’s face and the flush on his cheeks that had nothing to do with the hot, humid air said it all.


	9. The Art Form of Intimacy - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru and Makoto go on a date.....and then get intimate.
> 
> Soooo.....this is my first sex scene I've ever written.....I forgot about this fic for a long time, but now that Eternal Summer is out, I had to revisit this story.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy :S

In the end, Haru took Makoto on a date to a noodle restaurant they went to frequently. Though they ordered the same things as always, this night was much different than any other. For one thing, they were unusually silent. Another thing, Makoto blushed the entire time. Every time he dared look up at Haru, his blush deepened and he had to look away again immediately, though Haru could tell by the permanent, surprisingly goofy smile plastered across Makoto’s face that this silence wasn’t an embarrassed one.

It was a ‘happy beyond words’ type of silence.

 

Haru watched Makoto eat, beaming at his boyfriend, loving the fact that this kind of happy was a very new kind for Makoto, one Haru was delighted to have caused.

 

Haru paid the old man who ran the shop for their dinner and together Makoto and Haru began walking home along the moon lit beach, hand in hand.

 

“Thank you for dinner, Haru,” Makoto said quietly when they reached the base of the stairs leading up to Haru’s house, “That was really nice.”

 

Haru smiled at the blush Makoto hadn’t managed to get under control yet.

 

“It wasn’t that fancy,” Haru teased, “We could have gone anywhere you wanted, you didn’t need to pick somewhere we always go.”

 

Makoto’s happy blush turned into an embarrassed one and he turned his head down to watch his big, flipper feet kick at a rock on the ground.

 

“Sorry, you’re right,” he apologized and Haru instantly regretted saying anything.

 

“It was perfect,” Haru interjected quickly, hoping he hadn’t made Makoto feel like a cheap date, “I really enjoyed myself.”

 

Makoto looked back up and Haru breathed a sigh of relief when he saw he hadn’t really upset Makoto. Haru was right, it really had been perfect.

 

Suddenly Makoto reached out and shoved Haru against the side of a house, pushing his body against Haru’s, his lips against Haru’s. Their hips were at different heights, but Makoto still ground his hips into Haru’s, bending his knee slightly between Haru’s legs so their groins could align. In a move Makoto had learned early on in their sexual relationship, he slid his big hands around Haru’s waist and under Haru’s shirt so the tips of his fingers just wrapped around to touch Haru’s back.

 

This was such an unexpected, exhilarating move for Makoto to make, Haru forgot to breath for just a second, especially when Makoto began running his fingers up and down Haru’s spine. Haru managed to regain his composure and entwined his hands through Makoto’s shaggy hair, pulling him in closer.

 

Usually, Haru was the one who was shoving Makoto down on the bed and it was always Haru who kissed Makoto first. Makoto eventually liked to take charge when they got into the rhythm of things, folding Haru into those big arms of his and being so gentle as he went inside Haru. But Haru was always the initiator of anything physical. Having Makoto take charge like this was, well….

 

Stirring….

 

Makoto suddenly pulled away and Haru instantly missed the feeling of Makoto’s mouth, mashed against his. Reluctant to let that feeling fade, Haru opened his eyes and felt himself swimming in the emerald sea of Makoto’s eyes.

 

“Haru?” Makoto whispered.

 

“Mmmhhh?” Haru murmured back, trying to pull Makoto’s head back to him with his hands, still buried in Makoto’s hair. But Makoto wouldn’t let himself be moved.

 

This refusal to come to him sent an alarm bell off in Haru’s head, so he let his hands drop down and draped his arms around Makoto’s neck.

 

“What’s the matter Makoto?” Haru asked with concern. Could Makoto be having second thoughts about tonight? About Haru? Haru couldn’t blame Makoto if he did,.. Haru had been a complete jerk and didn’t deserve Makoto. Not really.

 

“I was thinking about something,” Makoto began, making the pit of Haru’s stomach drop down with dread. This didn’t sound good.

 

“Yes?” Haru asked nervously, afraid to find out what was on Makoto’s mind. He was blushing furiously again.

 

Makoto smiled widely with his eyes closed tight, laughing a bit nervously. This wasn’t the special smile he had just for Haru; it was the one he only wore when he was embarrassed about something.

 

This was a good thing. Haru had nothing to fear.

 

“What were you thinking about?” Haru asked. To make Makoto feel safer, Haru moved his left hand up Makoto’s neck until he could cup Makoto’s cheek. Makoto finally opened his eyes again and the nervous, embarrassed smile faded into a slight frown.

 

“I was thinking maybe tonight…instead of me being on the top, you could?” he asked shyly, “I’ve been kind of curious to see what it feels like because you seem to enjoy it so much.”

 

Haru’s eyes widened with surprise. This was not what he expected. He wrapped the hand cupping Makoto’s cheek around his head, pulling Makoto in for one of the fiercest kisses they’d ever shared.

They hadn’t discussed sexual position, they’d both sort of fell into their arrangement mutually. But having Makoto suddenly ask for a reversal, having Makoto ask for _anything_ was really nice. More than nice.

 

It meant Makoto trusted Haru enough to ask for something when he refused to ever ask for anything.

He _trusted_ Haru!

Haru extracted himself away from Makoto’s enfolding arms and his mouth.

Makoto looked absolutely confused and Haru found his expression quite amusing.

 

Makoto had always done what Haru wanted and was always asking what Haru wanted. This was the first time he’d asked for something of Haru and it made Haru ecstatic.

 

“Come on then,” Haru laughed, “Let me show you a sight you’ve never seen before.”

 

He grabbed Makoto’s wrist and began dragging him up the stairs. The little white cat who Makoto treated as his own popped out of a bush half way up the stairs. Haru could feel Makoto hesitate, just for a brief second, when he saw his feline friend and Haru immediately stopped and let go of Makoto’s wrist. The little cat shyly came up to Makoto’s leg and nuzzled him affectionately. Makoto looked up at Haru guiltily, but he relaxed when he saw the smile on Haru’s face. Of course Haru would wait while Makoto said hi to his little friend; he’d always loved how cute Makoto was with animals, especially cats.

And tonight was all about what Makoto wanted.

 

Haru happily watched Makoto bend down to pick the cat up with pleasure. As long as Haru could remember, Makoto had been able to read Haru’s thoughts just by looking at him as easily as Haru could look right into Makoto’s heart and see all of Makoto inside. If he thought about it, it wasn’t too surprising that Haru had ended up falling in love with Makoto.

 

 

Falling wasn’t really the right word.

 

It was more like their love had been gradually building since they were too young to even understand what love was, pulling them closer and closer until there was no choice but to bring their bodies together too. Only recently had they named that love and brought it to the level they’d always wanted, but it had always been there. Sex was really an expression of how intertwined their souls had become over the course of their friendship – an art form in intimacy.

 

Makoto put the cat down and stood up, looking a little sheepish. The cat meowed goodbye before scampering down the stairs.

“Sorry about that, Haru-chan,” Makoto apologized, smiling his embarrassed smile and scratching the back of his head. Haru took the step separating him from Makoto, got up on his tip toes, clutched onto Makoto’s broad shoulders, and gently kissed Makoto on his cheek. Makoto wrapped his arms around Haru’s waist and hugged him tightly.

 

Haru never wanted to feel distant from those arms again.

 

 

A few minutes later, Haru and Makoto were standing in the door of Haru’s room, looking at his bed together. Haru could feel how nervous Makoto was, even through the space between them.

 

“If you don’t want to be the top tonight, we can try it a different time,” Makoto said quietly, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

 

Haru frowned at him hard enough that Makoto had to turn around to look at him. Makoto was a master of projecting his concerns and feelings onto others. But he’d never fooled Haru.

 

“I’ll be gentle with you,” Haru promised.

 

Makoto smiled, though Haru could see he was still very nervous. Haru liked it best when Makoto took the initiative, but Haru knew that Makoto wouldn’t be able to tonight, not while he was so scared.

 

Haru took Makoto’s hand and led him to the bed where he gently pushed him down so Makoto was sitting on the edge of the bed. Haru stepped in between his legs and ran his fingers through Makoto’s floppy hair. It turned out one of the things Makoto liked best was to have his head scratched. It wasn’t even sexual, though Haru had just discovered it. Too bad he hadn’t figured it out before, Haru probably could have helped Makoto out on a number of occasions if he’d only known to scratch Makoto’s head.

 

Beneath his hands, Haru could feel Makoto relax, could feel the special Haru smile even though he couldn’t see it. Haru began scratching Makoto’s head in circles, slowly trailing his fingers down until his hands were just behind Makoto’s ears. With his index fingers, Haru reached out and caressed that little spot on Makoto’s head, just behind his earlobes.

Just as Haru expected, Makoto let out an involuntary little groan of pleasure before instantly shooting his hands over his mouth in embarrassment.

“Didn’t mean to do that,” Makoto mumbled as he put his hands back down, the tips of his ears turning pink.

 

Smiling, Haru went back to scratching Makoto’s head normally for a minute before gently brushing that spot behind Makoto’s earlobe again, causing another groan. This time, Makoto seemed to realize that Haru was making him groan on purpose. Haru widened the circles he was making with his index fingers so he was brushing more that little spot. A shudder went through Makoto’s whole body. Instead of putting his hands over his mouth again, he hungrily grabbed Haru’s waist.

 

Finding Makoto’s little spots had been one of Haru’s favorite activities since they’d started having sex. Up until now, he’d kept the discovery of the earlobe spot hidden, saving it for a special occasion. It was well worth the wait.

 

Haru let his hands fall down the sides of Makoto’s neck until they found Makoto’s broad shoulders. Ever so gently, he pushed Makoto’s back down onto the bed and climbed on top of him. The whole time, Makoto kept his hands on Haru’s waist, pulling him closer whenever he could.

Haru looked down at Makoto and was very pleased to see Makoto’s Haru smile beaming up at him. Haru ran his hands through Makoto’s hair again before leaning down to kiss Makoto.

 

Another very surprising thing Haru had discovered about Makoto since they’d started having sex was how Makoto’s lips felt. They weren’t especially soft, like Makoto was always claiming Haru’s were, but they did have a very certain, very pleasing texture to them that Haru couldn’t quite explain or get enough of. To emphasize his appreciation of them, Haru softly bit Makoto’s lower lip, enjoying the little inhalation of air that was somewhere between surprised and aroused. Not skipping a beat, Haru pressed his tongue between the resulting gap in Makoto’s mouth and explored the warm, wetness thoroughly with his tongue while also very much enjoying the feeling of Makoto’s lips against his. Makoto hugged Haru tighter.

 

After a few minutes of making out, Haru made a graceful exit from Makoto’s mouth by giving him a few, rather chaste little kisses on the lips then trailing those kisses down Makoto’s jaw line. When he got there, Haru nudged Makoto’s chin up with his nose so he could kiss the underside of his chin.

 

Makoto moaned a bit as Haru’s kisses became wetter the further down Makoto’s neck they went. Nothing sounded sweeter to Haru than these little noises Makoto made. Except maybe the sound of running, splashing water but that was in an entirely different category.

 

While still kissing Makoto’s neck, Haru reached behind his back and gently extracted Makoto’s arms from around him. Not surprisingly, Makoto resisted a bit but in the end, he let Haru take his wrists and pin them up above Makoto’s head. Underneath Haru’s groin, he felt Makoto stirring.

This was an interesting development.

 

Haru loosened his grip on Makoto’s wrists and slowly worked his way down Makoto’s arms, Makoto’s impressive lats, and down his waist until he arrived at his destination – Makoto’s hips. Haru wasn’t sure if Makoto meant to do it or not, but he bucked his hips up into Haru’s hands, pressing their pelvises closer together. Haru could feel Makoto’s excitement mounting and that made Haru ache in the best way possible.

 

Haru ran his hands up Makoto’s sides again, only this time he did so under Makoto’s shirt. As his hands slowly explored the crevices of Makoto’s impressive abdomen, Haru’s lips forgot to keep kissing Makoto’s neck. With each exhalation of Haru’s hot breath against Makoto’s skin, Makoto let out the tiniest little whimper. Just to tease Makoto, Haru ground his groin closer into Makoto’s with the next exhalation.

 

“Haru-chan,” Makoto moaned, arching his back up to get closer to Haru.

 

Quickly, Haru pulled Makoto’s shirt the rest of the way up over his head but when the shirt was bunched around Makoto’s upper arms he stopped, making it almost impossible for Makoto to move his arms.

 

Haru suddenly sat up so he was straddling Makoto. In an instant, Haru’s shirt was off and when he looked back down at Makoto, Makoto was looking at him, very, very worried.

“Should I keep taking off my shirt, Haru?” he asked awkwardly.

 

Haru shook his head back and forth, a devilish little smirk tilting the corners of his mouth up. Before Makoto could protest, Haru dove back down on top of him and began kissing Makoto again. First, Haru kissed that spot behind Makoto’s ear and, as expected, Makoto whimpered and shuddered, forgetting completely his doubts with the onslaught of physical pleasure.

 

With kisses that were more tongue than lips, Haru worked his way from Makoto’s ear down his jaw, his chin, his neck, his clavicle. Haru spent a bit of time, nibbling at Makoto’s nipples because Makoto had discovered how tender Haru’s were and it was only fair that Haru punish Makoto just a little. Unfortunately, biting Makoto didn’t have the same effect as it did on Haru, so he continued working his way down, down, down until his tongue traced a line along the V-shaped muscles that pointed straight down to Makoto’s groin. The further down Haru went, the more ragged Makoto’s breathing became and the higher he arched his back up. Makoto was getting really hard and his hard on was pressing into Haru’s neck.

 

Makoto was ready.

 

As quickly as he could, Haru unbuttoned Makoto’s pants and Makoto raised his hips helpfully. In seconds, Haru was staring down at Makoto’s penis, fully erect and very red. Makoto was biting his lower lip and squinting his eyes shut as hard as he could. His chest rose up and down in time with Makoto’s quick breathing and if he could, his hands would be covering his bright red face.

Pausing, Haru bent his head down and put his ear against Makoto’s chest. The beautiful, beautiful sound of Makoto’s rapidly thumping heart pounded against Haru’s ear. Ever since Makoto had almost drowned, Haru liked to check on his heartbeat and every time, that most crucial piece of evidence for Makoto’s continued existence nearly made Haru cry with relief and joy.

Two words flooded into Haru’s head, making it almost impossible to have any other thought:

_Makoto. Love._

 

There was never going to be anyone Haru could love more than Makoto, of that he felt absolutely sure.

 

“Flip over and scoot to the middle of the bed.” Haru whispered, kissing Makoto’s chest sweetly with just his lips.

Makoto gave a little nod with his head and did as he was told. It was a little bit funny to watch, since the shirt restricted Makoto’s movement, but Haru thoroughly enjoyed the sight of naked Makoto, squirming around awkwardly, excitedly. Somehow, he made worming around look ridiculously sexy. When Makoto was laid out on his stomach, Haru took off his own pants so he could see his own penis, very erect with the sight of Makoto’s beautiful, naked body.

 

It was no secret that Makoto’s backside was a thing of sheer beauty. His lats were particularly well defined and that spot where Makoto’s back met his ass, well Haru thought he ought to paint it and hang it in a museum somewhere.

 

Haru pressed his lips on the base of Makoto’s neck and followed it all the way down until he reached Makoto’s lower back. Right at that picture perfect spot, where back met ass, was another one of Makoto’s special spots. Even though his face was buried in the covers, Haru heard a muffled but still impressively loud groan when his tongue teased Makoto right there. Shudders went through Makoto’s entire body as Haru’s tongue went lower and lower, between Makoto’s perfectly round ass cheeks. Finally, Haru found what he was looking for and his tongue began making ever smaller circles, agonizingly spiraling into Makoto’s hole.

 

Haru gently pulled Makoto’s ass apart so his tongue could have clearer access. For the sake of Makoto’s dignity, Haru pretended he didn’t hear the muffled giggles coming from Makoto. To be fair, it was pretty cute,

Haru’s tongue flicked at Makoto’s hole, teasingly at first, just to make Makoto giggle more and make little jerks with his hips. For the sake of Haru’s dignity, he was glad Makoto couldn’t see how much Haru was smiling.

But Haru only played with Makoto a little while; he didn’t want to loose either of their ardor. Haru stopped flicking his tongue and thrust it a bit deeper inside Makoto. Just like Haru did whenever Makoto did this to him, Makoto groaned with pleasure and leaned back into Haru. Makoto and Haru had only discovered that this was something they could do together two weeks ago when Haru had ‘borrowed’ one of Rei’s crazy manuals on homosexual relationships that Rei still had no idea about. Honestly, it really had _not_ come as a surprise when Rei and Nagisa ‘announced’ their relationship.

Anyways, the first time they’d tried this particular activity out, Haru had come almost immediately and it had become one of his absolute favorite things Makoto did to him. But Haru had always been the one to receive this. As Haru buried his face further into Makoto, he could tell from the shudders, the whimpers, the moans, that Makoto was enjoying this just as much Haru did. To be honest, Haru had been a bit scared to try this, but he was so, _so_ glad he did.

 

When Makoto began gyrating against the bed, desperate for friction, Haru lifted his head up and gave Makoto’s ass a little slap.

 

“Not yet, Makoto,” he chided, watching with pleasure as Makoto’s ass jiggled from the slap. Makoto gave a long, low, disappointed sigh and obediently stopped moving.

 

Haru turned his attention back to Makoto’s glorious ass.

 

Kneeling down so his knees were on the outsides of Makoto’s thighs and his lower legs were draped over Makoto’s upper legs, Haru began making circles around Makoto’s hole again, this time with his index finger instead of his tongue. He kept his touch light so as not to freak Makoto out. When Haru reached Makoto’s hole, he gently poked his finger in, just a little.

Makoto instantly became rigid beneath him.

 

“It’s alright, Makoto,” Haru cooed as he leaned down and kissed Makoto’s back reassuringly, “I’ll be nice.”

 

Makoto did his best to relax as Haru put his finger in further, but he was still too tense. Slowly Haru dragged his finger out before pushing it back in again.

 

Before they’d first had sex, Makoto and Rei had had a secret conference in which both boys presented their research on anal sex to each other. Or rather, Rei had cornered Makoto one day to tell Makoto everything he’d learn about pleasuring men anally while Makoto begged Rei to stop, practically dying with embarrassment.

 

“But Makoto-senpai,” Rei had said with the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes Makoto had ever seen, “You’re the only one I trust to talk about this with and not make fun of me for wanting to know.”

After that, Makoto had had no choice but to let Rei continue and didn’t ask Rei once who he intended to do all these things to.

Obviously it was Nagisa, Haru and Makoto both knew that.

 

Happily for Haru, Makoto had learned quite a lot from Rei’s ‘theoretical’ research and had known just what to do for Haru. Now was Haru’s opportunity to show Makoto all he’d taught Haru.

 

Just as Makoto did the first time they found themselves in this situation, Haru kept his finger just barely inside Makoto and showered Makoto’s back with distracting kisses. It worked and Makoto’s body slowly relaxed as Haru kept up the same speed and depth with his fingers. When Makoto was relaxed again, Haru pushed his finger in further, though he didn’t stop kissing Makoto’s back.

Makoto was starting to enjoy himself, so Haru boldly added a second finger. Makoto clenched up a bit, but not so much as before. Taking this as a good sign, Haru went in deeper then pulled out, over and over again. Makoto began to buck a bit with his hips so Haru hooked his fingers, just like Makoto did, and hit Makoto right where it was best. Makoto threw his head back and lifted his hips, making a noise that wasn’t quite a scream, but was definitely much more erotically charged than was usual at this point. As his hips thrust back, Makoto loosened up around his fingers. All Haru’s blood went straight to his dick.

 

Now was the time.

 

Haru pulled his fingers all the way out and grabbed the little bottle of lube hidden behind a book on Haru’s windowsill. As Haru made his dick even slippery than usual with the lube, Makoto fell down on the bed, panting slightly. When he was ready, Haru pulled Makoto up by the hips and helped him up to his knees. By kneeling on top of Makoto’s lower legs, Haru was able to align their hips fairly well.

 

With one hand, Haru grabbed one of Makoto’s hips while the other guided Haru’s dick up to Makoto’s hole. Because of their size difference, Makoto had to kind of bend backwards so Haru could reach him. But that didn’t matter because they made it work. When Haru found Makoto’s hole, it reminded Haru something of a puzzle piece. The head of Haru’s penis, dripping with precum and lube, fit with Makoto perfectly. Haru grabbed onto Makoto’s other hip as he slowly pushed himself into Makoto.

 

Now it was Haru who was gasping.

 

So far, Haru had only had the pleasure of having Makoto’s hand and Makoto’s mouth around his dick. But this was an entirely different feeling all together. That first thrust in felt better than anything Haru had felt before, it was so tight and warm. And it was all _Makoto._

 

Slowly, excruciatingly, Haru pulled almost all the way out so only the very tip remained inside Makoto. Then he thrust back inside, quicker this time than before. He came back out again then in and when he drove himself into Makoto once more, the very loud moan and the quivering body of Makoto let Haru know he’d hit just the right spot.

 

Makoto moved his arms in front of his own penis, desperately searching for friction again, but Haru grabbed his arms and pulled them up above his head. He thread one of his arms around Makoto’s arms and head so Makoto couldn’t move them. Still thrusting in and out, Haru dragged his other hand down Makoto’s body, letting his fingernails dig into Makoto’s body. He hoped he’d leave a mark.

 

Haru’s hand made it to Makoto’s groin and much to Makoto’s relief, Haru grabbed hold of Makoto’s dick. Makoto bucked hard into Haru’s hand and came back in time for Haru to thrust deeply inside Makoto. On and on this went until a rolling fire sparked at the base of Haru’s spine.

 

His speed increased, he fanned the flames.

 

By now, Haru couldn’t tell whose moans, groans, cries belonged to who. Usually so careful to be quiet, Haru was moaning with abandon. As was Makoto. Together, they began to loose all sense of everything and the lines between them began to blue, just like they always did when they had sex.

That rolling heat was building, building, building.

 

Haru could hear Makoto as if through a fog. His voice sounded drunk:

“Har…”

Haru thrust again, the plead in Makoto’s voice, Makoto’s inability to even say his name fully, feeding the flames taking over Haru.

“Har…”

Another thrust, the fire began to spread down Haru’s legs, up his spine.

“Haruka!!!!.” Makoto bellowed as the flames reached Haru’s toes and head.

 

Haru bit down on Makoto’s shoulder as the fire burned hotter.

 

“Mako-chan!!!!” Haru screeched into Makoto’s shoulder as the white-hot heat blinded him, made him forget that anything existed outside of this magnificent feeling. Everything that Haru was poured into Makoto, leaving white, warm light where Haru had been. Through his fingers, he felt Makoto’s cum gushing out.

 

For a wild, hazy moment, Haru felt as though his cum had somehow mixed up with Makoto’s and what he was feeling between his hand belonged to both of them. Haru pulled himself further inside Makoto as the white heat began to inevitably loose intensity, wishing with all his might that he could just melt straight into Makoto.

 

Inside Makoto, with Makoto inside him - that was the place where the hot, white light, that delicious heat of ecstasy lived and Haru knew, better than he knew the feeling of water, that he never wanted to forget this glorious, wonderful place.

 

 

Panting, exhausted, Haru felt himself go limp. Unfortunately, Makoto felt this too and he began to collapse back on Haru. With his last bit of strength, Haru pushed Makoto forward with his chest. Like a tree, Makoto fell straight down, bringing Haru down with him.

 

Letting go of Makoto’s arms, Haru felt around for one of Makoto’s hands and entwined their fingers together. His other hand still cupped Makoto’s penis, spent from ecstasy.

 

For what felt like an eternity they lay like this, Haru on top of Makoto, rising up and down with each of Makoto’s panting breaths, feeling like he could just sink down into Makoto as he too tried to catch his breath. Through his back, Haru could feel Makoto’s blissfully beating hear.

 

Makoto’s breath evened out, as did his heart beat. Haru didn’t want this wonderful moment to end, but the lines between them were beginning to reform. It took an excruciating amount of effort, but Haru managed to turn his head and kiss the back of Makoto’s neck before the glow faded and they weren’t one anymore.

 

Makoto turned his head more to the side and Haru laboriously lifted his head up so he could look at Makoto’s profile.

 

“You called me Mako-chan,” Makoto said quietly, “You’ve never called me that before. Not even when we were kids.”

 

“You called me Haruka,” Haru countered, “You usually just call me Haru.”

 

Even with Haru draped on top of him, Makoto was able to squirm around so Haru was laying on top of Makoto’s belly and Makoto’s beautiful eyes were looking straight into Haru. Haru moved his cum-soaked hand up to Makoto’s shoulder, could feel it hardening on their touching groins.

 

But neither Makoto nor Haru were too concerned about it.

 

Haru looked into those smiling, green eyes and felt a huge goofy grin spread across his face.

Haru knew that Haruka and Mako-chan would be their names from each other from here on out, names they only used when they were like this. With a happy sigh, Haru put his head down on Makoto’s chest and listened to his heart beat steadily with a great big smile on his face.

 

“How was it?” Haru asked quietly, “Did I do alright?”

Makoto laughed as he tilted his head up and kissed the top of Haru’s head.

“Yes, Haruka. That was really good. How was it for you?”

“Wonderful. Though now I want to feel you inside me. It’s okay if we switch?”

“Yes, I’d like to do it both ways.”

“Are you ready to go now?”

Haru looked up from Makoto’s chest and saw Makoto frowning.

“Now? I’m too hungry to think about another round.”

“Can I make you some mackerel?”

Makoto laughed again.

“Sounds perfect. Then we’ll get into the shower and we’ll see about going again.”

“Deal.”

For a minute, neither of them made a move to get up.

“Makoto?” Haru whispered.

“Yes Haru?”

“I love you so, so much.”

Haru looked up and was happy to see Makoto smiling again.

“I love you so, so much too, Haru. Now I want some food.”

“Alright.”


	10. The Art Form of Intimacy - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more fluff about Haru's drawing and, shocker, another bath....plus a nice little surprise at the very end :)

The next morning, Haru woke up all tangled up in Makoto’s arms, his back pressed tight against Makoto’s chest. Right away, the gentle, deep undulation of Makoto’s chest against Haru told Haru that Makoto was still fast asleep.

 

Asleep Makoto was one of Haru’s favorite Makotos.

 

Carefully, Haru lifted Makoto’s arm from around him and crawled away from the warmth of Makoto’s body. They hadn’t been together through a winter yet, but Haru knew he would quite enjoy having his own personal heater sleeping next to him when it got colder. Even now, Haru sort of regretted leaving Makoto’s warm embrace after having been away from it for almost a week. But as always, the moment his eyes opened in the morning, he was instantly wide awake and ready to go. Cuddling, after all, was only fun with a conscious partner. Besides, this was a golden opportunity and Haru didn’t want to waste it.

 

He tiptoed across his room to his desk and took out his drawing pencils and sketchbook. Drawing had always been something his mother insisted he learn and he actually quite liked it. Not that it compared to swimming, but there was the same feeling of pouring himself out through the pen as he did in the water, the same escape, that Haru found most appealing. With his supplies, he crawled back into his bed, sat with his back against the wall, and began to sketch his perfectly posed, sweetly slumbering Makoto.

 

If someone were to look through Haru’s sketchbooks over the years, they would find a perfect chronology of Haru’s feelings for Makoto in ever more realistic detail. The first sketches were crayon, stick figure doodles of Haru and Makoto swimming together or being pirates, distinguishable from each other only by their names printed above and later by their color designation: blue, Haru insisted, was for him and green, that was for Makoto. The crayon pictures disappeared when Haru began taking extra art classes on the weekends, right around the time he and Makoto joined the swim team together, but Haru always used blue and green to represent them.

 

When Rin came into their lives, Rin took Makoto’s place swimming in the sea by Haru’s side because Rin _got_ water in a way Makoto couldn’t. But Makoto was always there in some way, smiling and happy and always Haru’s friend, no matter how aloof and annoyed Haru acted. Makoto had always seen right through that anyways.

 

Rin had only been around for a few months before he was gone again, but he still managed to take something of Haru’s with him, especially after their last, fateful race. After Haru stopped swimming competitively, he had more time to devote to drawing and there was only Makoto to draw. His sketches from middle school became more technically proficient with the passage of time, but there was a lack of passion in them. Makoto still smiled patiently and, upon reflection, lovingly at Haru through the sketches from his first two years of middle school, but Haru could sense his own frustration, annoyance, and boredom in the lines he drew. Still, Makoto was there on almost every single page, just like he’d always been.

 

During their last year of middle school, something suddenly changed in Haru’s Makoto drawings and that change Haru could pinpoint to a very specific sketch. Up until that sketch, drawn one blistering cold winter’s day, Haru hadn’t shown Makoto any of his pictures that weren’t strictly for school. That day, Haru was taking a shower when Makoto came over, earlier than expected, and it was then that Makoto found his secret sketch book, lying wide open on Haru’s desk. When Haru came into his room from the shower, he was surprised to find Makoto sitting on his bed, practically in tears, the sketchbook held limply in Makoto’s hands.

Panicked thoughts instantly raced through Haru’s mind because those sketches were supposed to be _secret_! Haru drew Makoto because he had no one else to draw besides his family, but surely Makoto could see how uninspired the pictures of him were? How bored Haru must be looking at him? How ungrateful Haru had been about Makoto’s constant presence?

 

“Makoto?” Haru asked nervously, feeling what an awful friend he was fully. How could Makoto stand spending so much time with Haru when Haru gave him nothing back? At that moment, Haru wanted more than anything to run away and dive into the water, letting go of everyone and everything.

“Nothing is wrong,” Makoto said, though Haru could hear how much effort he put into keeping his voice even, “I didn’t know you drew me.”

That was it. Haru was going to loose Makoto.

 

But that’s not what happened.

 

Makoto looked up at Haru, smiling widely with his head tilted to the side in the way he did when he was really happy with Haru.

“You’ve drawn me so well!” he gushed, “It’s really nice of you, Haru-chan!”

 

Just as it had with Rin earlier that week, something had unclenched in Haru’s chest at the sight of that radiant, affectionate smile. Suddenly, Haru realized that he hadn’t seen such a happy Makoto smile in a very long time, that he’d been badly missing it. A million thoughts flooded Haru’s mind, but he ignored them, waiting until he was alone to sort them out properly. All he knew was that he wanted to keep that smile around for a little while longer.

 

“Those aren’t very good drawings,” Haru said quietly, “I could do a better one of you if you’d like.”

 

Makoto went from stunned to bashful in two seconds flat. He’d always been a very shy boy at his core and Haru could sense Makoto’s nerves. When had Makoto ever been nervous around Haru? Thinking back on that day, Haru probably should have realized that Makoto’s nerves came from Makoto’s budding, romantic feelings for Haru. But until that night on the beach, Haru had refused to question the ‘something more’ he’d seen in Makoto’s heart.

 

Still, Makoto agreed to model for Haru and that afternoon, Haru made the greatest sketch of Makoto he’d yet done. In it, Makoto’s eyes were averted because he couldn’t bear to look at Haru for too long, but he was smiling the sweetest smile that Haru had drawn, and he’d drawn it with astounding tenderness. After Makoto went home that night, Haru sat looking at the finished picture for a long time, trying to sort out his feelings.

 

It was that day, Haru decided he was grateful to have Makoto around and that he needed to be a much better friend to him.

 

After that, Haru’s pictures of Makoto improved. A few times during their last year of middle school and their first year of high school, Haru asked Makoto to model for him again because drawing with a live model was much better. He didn’t trust anyone else enough to ask and he didn’t really want to draw anyone but Makoto.

But beyond those series of posed sketches, drawn on pleasantly quiet, long afternoons together, Haru drew Makoto secretly when Makoto wasn’t looking and it was really those sketches that shined. In one, Makoto would be petting a neighborhood cat – a pose half remembered from something that had actually happened during the day. In another, Makoto was sleeping with Ren and Ran sprawled on top of him. That one, Haru got to draw from real life.

 

Time passed, swimming gave Haru new things to draw – namely Rin, but at the same time, Haru’s numerous sketches of Makoto slowly began to fixate on certain Makoto features. His lips, his back, and his eyes in particular, became prominent subjects in Haru’s sketches after training camp. Then after the Squid festival, Haru began to feel the need to draw ownerless hands stroking that back, a stranger’s head kissing those lips. When he started drawing stuff like that, he wouldn’t allow himself to think about why he needed to draw someone with Makoto or who that someone was really supposed to be.

 

But then, there was that night during regionals when Haru surprised them both by kissing Makoto and it was then that Haru realized how madly in love with Makoto he actually was. In that perfect moment during their first kiss, Haru understood everything about his recent sketches of Makoto.

 

Since they’d been sleeping together, Haru’s sketchbooks were mostly Makoto and many of those pictures were drawn on mornings just like these, when Makoto slept peacefully and Haru quietly sketched him. Most of those sketches were just of Makoto sleeping, but there were enough of Makoto’s orgasm face and of Haru’s hands all over Makoto for the sketchbook to be entirely embarrassing.

So the sketchbook became a secret once more.

 

And during his week of awful boyfriending, Haru hadn’t been able to touch his notebook at all.

 

Sun light poured into the bedroom when the sun fully rose, bathing Makoto in light so he looked like an angel. It was nice to be drawing again, like things had finally gotten back to normal. Even in his sleep, Makoto looked happy and everything felt right in Haru’s world again. Haru became so engrossed in the lines of Makoto’s shoulders that he didn’t see Makoto’s eyes flutter open lazily.

 

“What are you doing, Haruka?” Makoto asked groggily.

Haru instantly shut his sketchbook, unable to stop a fearsome blush from giving him away.

Makoto sat up, smiling.

“May I see it?” he asked, nodding at Haru’s sketchbook.

As a rule, Makoto never brought up Haru’s drawing and he only ever looked at the pictures Makoto posed for. For Makoto to ask Haru to see the sketchbook, well it was another testament to how comfortable he was feeling with Haru.

 

Every part of Haru wanted to say no because his pictures of Makoto had become embarrassingly detailed, like it was a diary or something, but Haru was too flattered that Makoto had asked for it to refuse.

 

Silently, Makoto flipped through the pages starting from the beginning. This current sketchbook began a bit before the training camp and was nearly complete. The transition from best friends to lovers was fully catalogued in those pages. Makoto may not have seen the contents of the sketchbook, but he probably had a pretty clear idea about the time period it covered. From the way he studied the pages, Haru could tell Makoto had been dying to look at this sketchbook.

 

Haru studied Makoto’s face carefully, watching as Makoto went from surprised to confused to overwhelmed. When he reached the end, he shut the book and handed it back to Haru without saying a word or even looking at Haru. Without seeing into Makoto’s eyes, Haru had no idea what Makoto was thinking and a vague sense of panic swelled up in Haru.

 

With a trembling hand, Haru reached out and gently tilted Makoto’s head up so he could see Makoto’s face. In Makoto’s eyes, Haru could see that Makoto was feeling overwhelmed, but overwhelmed in the same way he was when Haru told him he loved him for the first time in that hotel room, had kissed him for the first time. Overwhelmed with relief and joy and, more than anything, love for Haru.

 

More than the list of reasons why Haru loved Makoto, more than the date and the Makoto centered sex, these sketches seemed to have reassured Makoto how much Haru loved him. An expert in the baffling ways of Haru, Makoto could see Haru’s love in every tenderly-drawn line, every detail Haru agonized over, every emotion Haru couldn’t see in himself poured out onto paper. Just as there’d been something extra in Makoto’s heart all along, this love had been in Haru’s art for a while. From Makoto’s eyes, Haru could see that Makoto understood all of it.

 

Haru knew as he stared into those emerald oceans of eyes, mesmerized as a shadow at the edge of Makoto’s heart was released and made all of Makoto glow on the inside. Haru hadn’t even been around to notice this shadow grow. But he couldn’t dwell on that now, not when Makoto was awash in joy.

 

Makoto smiled his extra special Haru smile, pulling Haru out of the depths of Makoto’s heart.

“I feel like taking a bath,” Makoto told Haru quietly, a faint blush creeping down from his ears to his cheeks. Haru nodded and the two of them go to the bathroom, not physically touching but their souls completely wrapped up in each other.

 

Together, Haru and Makoto took a long leisurely bath, neither of them saying much. Usually, Haru sat in front of Makoto with Makoto’s long limbs wrapped around him in a very pleasant, octopus-y way. But that morning, when they really should have been at the second day of the swim meet, Haru and Makoto arranged themselves so Makoto was lying down on the bottom of the tub and Haru was lying across him, his front side pressed against Makoto’s. Because the tub wasn’t big enough, Makoto’s knees had to be bent and they gently cradled Haru’s hips. Haru also had to bend his legs at the knee and rest his feet on the bath’s faucet. Despite how cramped they were, this position was surprisingly comfortable and Haru enjoyed pressing his ear against Makoto’s chest, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart. While Haru did that, Makoto traced lazy patterns across Haru’s back with one hand, hugging Haru close to him with the other. The patterns, Haru knew, were the kanji for ‘love’, ‘Haru’, and ‘heart’. The whole time, Haru could feel Makoto smiling without needing to look up at his face, probably because Makoto could feel Haru smiling against his chest.

 

It was the most perfect bath Haru ever took and for once, he was so happy he’d decided to take a bath instead of swim in a pool.

 

An hour later, Haru and Makoto mutually decided without needing to discuss the matter out loud that the water had gotten too cold for their bath to continue. Besides, Makoto’s stomach had begun to rumble and Haru wanted to make him mackerel and serve it to him in bed. Haru got out of the tub first and offered Makoto his hand.

 

“Thanks, Haru-chan!” Makoto said brightly as he took Haru’s hand.

Haru rolled his eyes, “Please drop the –chan.”

Makoto stood up to his full height and kissed Haru gently on the forehead.

“Never.”

 

Just then, a noise downstairs startled both the boys, Makoto especially.

Robbers? Or worse, Nagisa and Gou on the war path because Haru and Makoto had missed the meet?

 

Despite his fear, Makoto instantly tensed up as though he was getting ready to fight anyone who dare come into the bathroom.

 

“Haru-chan, sweetie, we’re home!” a female voice calls from downstairs.

Makoto looked at Haru in a panic, realizing in the same instant as Haru who the owner of that voice was.

_Crap!_

Haru’s parents weren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow!


	11. The Prison of Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter the Nanase parents....  
> Haru angst....

“Haru, what do we do!?” Makoto whispered in a panic as he pulled his clothes back on, “I want to tell them about us, but not like this!”

“Makoto, calm down,” Haru said with a smile, “How many times have you broken into my house before?”

Makoto paused, midway through pulling his shirt on, “A lot.” he conceded.

Haru chuckled and that made Makoto look almost gleeful. Haru was not a big laugher.

“If you’re worried about what to do after we graduate, you should seriously consider becoming a burglar. You’ve had _that_ much practice breaking into my house! Now, just calm down and go out the window at the end of the hall. You’ll be fine.”

Makoto nodded his head, smiling sheepishly, “I’d never turn to a life of crime, you know,” he whispered as he finished getting dressed, “Then I’d be in jail and I wouldn’t get to see you!”

Haru gave him a peck on his cheek and took his hand.

“But you’d be such a good burglar, you’d never get caught. And even if you did, I’d commit some crime so we could share a cell. Now I’ll go downstairs and you get going. It’s still pretty early; you won’t be that late for the swim meet. I’ll come later, once I’ve talked a bit with my parents.”

A shadow passed across Makoto’s face, but Haru ignored it. Quietly as he could, Haru slid the bathroom door open and the boys tiptoed out in the hall. Before letting go of Haru’s hand, Makoto leaned down and kissed Haru hungrily on the mouth.

Usually Makoto’s eyes sparkled with his own particular brand of sweetness, but right now they smiled with something rare, magical, and mischievous that had _always_ done things to Haru. Haru had half a mind to pretend he wasn’t home so he could sneak out the window with Makoto and do all sorts of unspeakable things with him in some alley nearby.

But before Haru could formulate his thoughts fully, Makoto was darting down the hall and out the window. He turned to blow Haru one last kiss before disappearing from the roof. 

For someone so big, he was surprisingly agile when it came to sneaking.

“Haru-chan, I hope that’s you upstairs!” his mother called from downstairs, reluctantly pulling Haru out of his mischievous Makoto fantasies.

 

Instead of answering his mother, Haru trudged down the stairs, making sure he was a bit louder than usual so he didn’t have to say anything to alert his parents to his presence. The short walk downstairs wasn’t enough time to prepare himself mentally for seeing his parents again so it was a bit of a shock to round the corner and see his mother, standing in his kitchen. Her back was to Haru and he could tell that she was inspecting the kitchen, looking for the slightest bit of grime to scold him about. But Haru was his mother’s child and he couldn’t stand it when things weren’t perfectly clean. Grimly he smiled to himself, taking savage satisfaction out of the fact his mother wouldn’t find anything to complain about.

“Hello mother.” Haru said softly.

Nanase Mai turned around with a studied elegance she prided herself on. Haru was her spitting image physically, but possessed a character polar opposite his mother’s.

“There you are, Haru-chan. Why have you kept us waiting?” she asked reproachfully.

Haru looked away from the eyes that looked so similar to his, deciding it would be best to not say anything.

Mai sighed heavily.

“You are hopeless, Haru-chan. Now why don’t you be a good son and make your father and I some tea.”

Haru obediently went to the kitchen as his mother left it, both mother and son taking pains to avoid touching each other. While his mother sat down at the table and set up a laptop, Haru got started on the tea.

 

Mai wasn’t much of a cook and she probably wouldn’t come into the kitchen again during her stay. Growing up, Haru’s grandmother had done all the cooking and even now, years after her death, Haru thought of this kitchen as hers. As he poured water into the kettle, he thought fondly of the many hours he’d spent in this tiny space, watching his grandmother chop onions or cleaning both their favorite fish, mackerel. Eventually, she put him to work, slowly cultivating an appreciation and enjoyment for cooking that had served him well living without parents. Now, as he put the tea things on a tray, he felt the absence of his grandmother stronger than he’d felt it in a very long time. Being around his parents always made him feel so incredibly lonely. At least when his grandmother was around, Haru had her.

 

The door to the garden slid open and in walked Nanase Yasuhiro, listening patiently to someone on his cell phone. Only with Yasuhiro’s arrival did Mai look up from her computer screen.

“I understand what you’re saying, Etsuko-kun, but you have to consider all the evidence before coming to such rash conclusion. We are not going to loose this case because of an uninformed assumption. Here, Mai has the evidence list pulled up on the computer, let’s go over this again…”

Yasuhiro sat down with his wife and she turned the laptop towards him, both completely oblivious to their son.

 

Another typical Nanase family reunion.

 

Haru picked up the tray and set it down to the side of his mother. It was only then that Yasuhiro looked up from his work and acknowledged Haru’s presence with a faint nod before diving back into whatever case it was now.

Haru stood above his parents silently, not knowing whether he should sit down with them or flee. Of course Mai immediately sunk her teeth into Haru's hesitation.

“Haru, either sit or go. Don’t just stand there. You are a person, not a wall.”

Haru felt heat in his cheeks, an unpleasant heat he hadn't felt in a long time. Mai had never approved of how taciturn Haru was. She frequently compared him to inanimate objects, trying to inspire some animation in him. As a kid, Haru had wished sometimes that he could turn into the object she called him, just so she would leave him alone.

“I’m going to a swim meet now,” Haru said icily after a few moments.

“Oh right, the swimming,” Mai said as she turned from Haru, pouring two cups of tea, “I forgot you’d started doing that again. Well _try_ to have some fun, at least. We’ve got an important dinner to go to tonight, so you’ll have to make yourself something.”

“Etsuko-kun, this list you’ve made is incomplete. Did you not receive the updated list from the police chief…”

Mai handed Yasuhiro his cup and read the evidence list over her husband’s shoulder, dismissing Haru by pretending he didn't exist. Without needing further prompting, Haru retreated upstairs to get his swimming things.

 

He needed to get to the pool as soon as possible, for sanity’s sake.

 

A few minutes later, Haru shut and locked the front door behind him and started down the shrine steps. Since his parents had left a year ago, their house had become his home, had become the place where his friends met and discussed their swimming dreams, ate the food Haru made them, and in one particular case shared Haru’s bed. Not until now, walking, running away from the house, did he realize just how happy a place that house had become. But now that he knew his parents were in that house again, it felt just like it used to. Like a prison, built of silence that always loomed on the edge of Haru’s mind. His grandmother had been the only source of laughter and joy in that miserable place, making it somewhat bearable, but now she was gone.

Growing up, it had sometimes been hard to think of himself as a solid person, not a wisp of cloud, a drop of water, a living ghost. Makoto and his grandmother had never made him feel like that, but Makoto and his grandmother weren’t always around.

Haru hated when his parents visited, dredging up all these old feelings.

 

 

Haru rushed down the stairs with his head down and his hands buried deep in his pockets. At the bottom of the stairs, Haru practically ran headfirst into Makoto’s chest.

“Oni-chan!” Ren called from the Tachibana’s front door, “Watch out for Haru! You might get knocked over!”

Haru looked up at Makoto with begging eyes, suddenly feeling like he needed to look at Makoto’s face more than he needed oxygen. But Makoto was looking at Ren.

Makoto laughed and waved at his little brother, “Bye Ren! I’m very excited to see that picture when I get home!”

Ren said something back, but Haru didn’t hear what.

 

 _Please look at me,_ he beggedMakoto mentally, _I don’t want to be a ghost_.

 

Still watching as Ren closed the front door, Makoto started talking to Haru:

“The twins are working on this big art project for their room. They’re really excited…”

 _Finally_ , Makoto turned to look at Haru and he instantly fell silent, the smile dying on his face.

Without a word, Makoto leaned down and kissed Haru on the forehead, _right in front of his house in broad daylight_. He'd never done something so bold before, but Haru was so happy he did. It was like Makoto had kissed Haru back to life. Then the two started out toward the pool, walking side by side in silence.

 

Haru didn’t need to say anything because Makoto already knew it all.

 

As they walked, Haru thought about how very different their homes had been, how it had shaped them. Growing up, people had always wondered how such a cold, aloof, stubborn kid like Haru could be best friends with someone so warm, sweet, and caring as Makoto. Makoto had always been such a shy kid – in a lot of ways he still was – and Haru thought that Makoto’s initial attraction to Haru was because he was able to convince Haru to do things pretty easily. That way, Makoto wouldn’t have to do them alone. Haru’s silent support, his presence, gave Makoto the confidence he needed to talk to other people. But more than that, Makoto was his mother’s child and he’d inherited her tender, caring nature. Makoto had liked Haru because he probably recognized that Haru was someone who needed to be taken care of. 

Haru’s initial attraction to Makoto wasn’t so much an attraction so much as a fascination. With parents like his, Haru had often marveled that someone so kind as Makoto was, so giving, existed. Haru’s grandmother was wonderful too, but she’d always been a fixture in Haru’s life, his fellow inmate in the icy indifference of his home. But Makoto was someone completely outside his home and even now, Haru could remember his six-year-old realization that not all homes were like his.

 

 

Right outside the pool, Haru stopped. Without missing a beat, Makoto turned towards Haru.

“Can I stay at your house tonight, Makoto?” Haru asked quietly.

For the first time since saying goodbye to Ren, the corners of Makoto’s mouth twitched up.

“You won’t be able to spend the night because we have school in the morning, but you’re always welcome to dinner. You know that.”

Haru nodded and together they went inside together.

 

Given the circumstances, Haru swam surprisingly well that day. He had a lot of things to ask the water and he attacked his problems with a strong sense of urgency. Makoto kept everyone mostly away from Haru. Of course Nagisa and Rei asked about their big date last night – Makoto must have said something to them about it – and Makoto gushed about what a nice time they’d had. For the most part, everyone seemed pretty relieved to see Makoto so happy again, but Rei and Nagisa both noticed that Haru was a bit out of sorts. Makoto – angel that he was – was also pretty good at manipulating conversations to avoid hurting people’s feelings or getting Haru to do something he wanted. When Nagisa asked what was wrong with Haru, Makoto cleverly changed the subject by asking him what sort of dates he’d taken Rei on. Despite the house weighing heavy on his mind, even Haru smiled as Nagisa launched into a very hilarious story about the zoo and the penguin exhibit while Rei laughed and elaborated. It was a restorative meet and Haru was really happy to be there.

Rin stayed as far from Haru as he could.

 

 

“Haru-chan, it was nice having you over!” Makoto’s mother said later that night, leaning against the kitchen doorframe and watching as Haru put on his coat, “You don’t come over enough!”

Of course that wasn't true, Haru was over at the Tachibana residence for dinner a few times a week. Nonetheless, Haru smiled at Mama Tachibana before Ren and Ran pummeled into his side.

“Haru-chan, promise you’ll come see our room when it’s finished?” Ran asked, “You just have to!”

Awkwardly, Haru patted her on the head, “Of course I will, Ran.”

She beamed up at Haru.

“Come on guys, it’s past your bedtime!” Makoto laughed as he gently pulled the twins off of Haru, “I’m going to see Haru out, but I’ll be up in a few minutes to read you a story. First one in bed gets to pick the story!”

Ren and Ran both turned their megawatt smiles onto their beloved Oni-chan.

“Okay!” they said in unison before bolting up the stairs.

 

When they were standing a bit in the alley, mostly out of view of Makoto’s house, Haru scooted in and hugged Makoto tight around the chest.

“Are you going to be ok?” Makoto asked as he wrapped his arms around Haru.

Haru nodded his head into Makoto’s chest. The day of his parents' return had been better than he could have hoped for.

For a few minutes, they stood like that, wrapped in each other. Haru built up his Makoto scent reservoirs for the night by breathing Makoto in deeply, hoping that would be enough to sustain him until they saw each other again. The last thing Haru wanted was to go home, but he couldn't avoid the inevitable. The house with his parents in it was waiting.

Haru backed out of Makoto’s arms.

“I love you, Mako-chan.”

Makoto smiled his Haru smile.

“I love you, Haruka.”

Haru titled his head up so he could kiss Makoto once before going home.

“See you tomorrow then.”

 

 

Haru needn’t have worried about a silent prison waiting for him at home. His parents weren’t back yet from wherever they’d been and Haru’s house, once more, felt like his. He got ready for bed, feeling pretty good about things, but when he was lying in bed, a crushing loneliness bore down upon him. The silence of the house was complete and Haru, for the first time in a long time, wanted to dissolve into the darkness, into the silence.

 

As he tried to sleep, he wished for more than Makoto's scent.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever posted so please be gentle! I'm a swimmer so I used lots of my own swimming experiences to round out the realism a bit.


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